I don’t really know who to talk to right now and posting here seems a good idea.
So, like the title says, I think my marriage is over. For context: Me (F42) and my wife have been married for 9 years. We got married not even a year into our relationship and I had no idea back then that I had ADHD. Did we get married too soon? Yes and no. The problems didn’t really start until around year 5, so even if we had gotten married after, say, three years, the outcome would have been the same.
Around two and a half years ago my wife suggested that I may have ADHD after things had started getting worse and worse. But although I was open to the idea it took me a year to get off my butt and get diagnosed and start treatment. Precious time that I wasted.
Now I’ve been on meds for a year and in therapy for around 9 months. Some things have gotten better but the core problem remains: My wife feels responsible for everything, is shouldering pretty much all the mental load and I seem to be unable to become the reliable adult partner that she needs. ADHD or the way I handle it has completely eroded our marriage and the love we had between us. My wife feels exhausted and trapped and I feel helpless because I feel like I maybe moved up a level or two in my “adulting skills” but I’d need to be a Level 10 to make our marriage work. Or make any marriage work, for that matter.
I feel extremely sad. I feel sad about the suffering I have caused my wife, who really tried to stick it out. Probably longer than she should have for her own good. Sad because I’ve been trying really hard and I see some people who have ADHD but who also seem to have an “overachiever personality” and they have their shit together so much more than I do. Sad because I wasted a whole year doing nothing. Sad because we used to be so happy together and used to love each other so much and now all that seems to be left is bitterness and resentment.
😢
Edit: Thank you so much to everyone who has has already commented and shared kind words with me.
My wife and I have been going over this many many times. I know what she needs and I am trying and a feel fucking sad about the fact that, maybe, we just can’t make it work. But I also realize I’m starting to reach a point where being on my own is beginning to sound liberating. I’ve never had a problem with being single and I feel like at least then there isn’t anyone I can disappoint anymore. It’s just me and if I fuck up the only person having to face the consequences is me.
I just feel really bad because I feel I have cost my wife so much. She would have wanted to have kids and I’ve always been on the fence about it. I used to absolutely not want to have kids when we met, then kinda came around to the idea (when you’re super in love it does become a kinda wonderful idea) but then gradually starting feeling more and more uncertain. And now I’m at a point where, regardless of whether or not I want to have kids (I don’t have a desire to have them but could imagine having them) I don’t think I’m capable of raising kids. If we had broken up sooner my wife might have had a better chance at having kids with someone else.
I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been feeling awful myself. I feel like I’m under constant pressure because I want to “prove myself” and the more I worry about fucking up the more tense I get. The best moment of the day is when I go to bed because then I don’t have to do anything for the next 8 hours, just rest and sleep. Can’t mistakey if not awakey :P
And our relationship has been deteriorating for so long and we’ve both become so fed up with each other. My wife is fed up with me because I’m not who she needs me to be and I’m fed up with her because I feel like even if I try to manage something myself, take care of something myself, I don’t do it the right way. Sometimes it really isn’t (last week I almost set the oven on fire) but sometimes it’s just a minor thing.
Maybe, as sad as it is, we’re better off apart and would be happier on own own / with someone else.
First of all, this must be really difficult and I wish you strength to come through this with hope and dignity.
I lasted 12 years with my ex through good and bad times. She had her own neurodivergences and I was not adequately handling mine. I caused a lot of shit by being absent, dissociated, unhelpful etc.
Blaming myself for the failure of our relationship is not helpful. It went the way it went because of who we were at the time. I use it as motivation and a chance to learn about myself and how to be better.
Being successful with ADHD requires a kindness and gentleness to one’s self. I would ask myself “Would you say these things to a stranger? Would you say these things to a friend? Then why would you say them to me?”
One of the turning points for me was to stop putting myself last and to instead put myself first. If I am strong then I can be more dependable for others. I give myself the accommodations that I need. I stopped treating myself badly. I learned how to love myself. I stand my ground when others expect too much of me. These things were integral in becoming the person that my new partner now loves and respects me for.
When two people don’t work out it’s no one’s fault. Each is betting on a future with someone that is an accessible attractive option and often that bet doesn’t yield the results they wanted but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth the time that was had. We can’t tell the future. No one is perfect. Perfection doesn’t even exist. We’re all just muddling through the day to day. Shakespeare asked is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all - and there is a clear answer - its better to have loved and lost, because it wouldn’t be painful if there was no substance to it.
I’d hazard a guess that you guys are probably done and that the best thing for you is distance right now. After some distance and time you’ll know if there is any future. You probably already know that though.