Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always had some type of reaction to praise. Some days I liked it, other days I hated it. On the days where I hated it, I would have a very strong reaction. Also, for whatever reason, as a child, I always hated the word “yay.” It drove me crazy and always caused me to have a meltdown. For example, when I was in Kindergarten, I won a game unintentionally, and everyone started clapping, cheering and saying “yay” to me. I got really nervous and tried to run out of the room, but there was another adult blocking the exit, probably since my friend and I had a tendency to escape and play on things we weren’t supposed to. Anyway, I ran back and started crying until one of my aids took me to calm down. I had a similar episode in first grade, but my reaction was not quite as bad as the last one. So my teacher had been talking all day about how someone in the class would be earning a prize if their behavior was good. She had mentioned one student earlier in the day, but I think she forgot about it because later on somebody mentioned my good behavior and my teacher said, “I think she should get the prize!” I froze in my seat. My classmates kept saying, “Go get the prize,” adding more pressure to the situation. My teacher told them to stop and said that I would get it once I was ready. Eventually, she ended up up kneeling down next to me, and placed her hand on my desk. It was closed into a fist, and she said to me, “Open my hand, I want to give you something.” I don’t remember if I opened it or not, but her hand opened, and inside was an eraser with pink and brown flowers on it. She looked at me sternly and said, “This is yours.” I don’t honestly know if I loved or hated that praise, but I carried that eraser with me everywhere afterwards. I’ve been hit and miss with praise since then. Recently though, I’ve been really nervous whenever someone is really invested with their praise. For example, just before starting college, I invited a good friend of mine over, but my mom had not met him in person yet. Similar to me, he is young for his age and has other intellectual disabilities. So he came over and we had a great time. Afterwards, however, my mom wanted to go shopping, and while we were driving, acknowledged how social I was being with my friend. She said, “That’s the most I’ve ever seen you interact with your friends. I know you like to take your breaks and stuff, but you hung out with him all day.” I felt uncomfortable, but calmly agreed. I still get annoyed by praise today, especially if I feel I haven’t earned it. Has anyone else felt this way?

Since I had to take a picture before posting, I put one of the few times I thought I deserved praise lol.