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Joined 2 years ago
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Cake day: June 9th, 2023

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  • It’s a very slow progress. Like you don’t really notice your shoes wear in and then wear them down. It is weird enjoying things that you’d be too jaded to even consider enjoying before. But it takes time to register that you are actually enjoying something, I had not much context for that.

    It’s not instantaneous, like its often portrayed in film (Theoden de-aging in LOTR f.i.) You need to re-learn a lot of things, like someone in a severe accident learning to walk again. Only it’s in your brain. First you need to realize you are not in constant stress anymore and threatened by everything in life all at once.

    And then you need to slowly learn to relax all those mental muscles that were all balled up in paroxismic spasms for far too long.

    And after a long time of trusting this new norm without getting betrayed by life or significant others you gain the mental state in which you discover that you are enyoing simple things. Those at first only slightly penetrate your walled garden as you are too careful to allow deep feelings to sway you (as deep feelings have betrayed you before). But step by step you are amazed by tiny, almost insighnificant things that bring joy to your soul.

    Thats’s where I am at. I am both overjoyed at feeling things and so sorry for my former self for being in that locked-in state. But I am grateful for the experience and proud of the fact I persevered and not given in to suicidal thoughts. I am really happy at my current state of being even though every once in a while, like a craving for cigarettes I gave up a couple of years ago, I am drawn into a short burst of ‘appèl du vide (call of the void)’ where I imagine things unraveling again.

    It’s not an easy road and I certainly needed the support of others. But the most important currency is trust. Trusting yourself, trusting your friends/significant others. And most likely you will never see as much support as someone in rehabilitation over drunkenly crashing their car into a tree, as the wounds are not visible. But it is worth it at some point you will realize how big of a handicap depression actually is and it’s such a free feeling not to be tied down by it anymore.





  • Meanwhile in the Netherlands every companies find ways to extort the gains of the people invested in solar under the guise that their infrastructure needs updating.

    Meanwhile they are updating infrastructure for data centers with it, free of charge (pun intended).

    In 2027 people don’t even get money for the energy they put back in the system, so every companies will take everything for free.

    Forcing people to re-invest in batteries or loose out on their investment.

    It’s a fucking shame.