I relate to a lot of what you’re writing - almost all of it in fact. Though my birthday is in the middle of the summer so my “feeling like shit due to being reminded of the passage of time” is evenly spaced throughout the year. In a way it would be nice to get them both out of the way around new year’s like this.
I don’t have any helpful words. I’m also just drifting between distractions as I wait for either the courage to end it or death to find me of its own accord. And I relate to the guilt of knowing I have it “easy” really, and can’t manage even given this favourable hand. I’m not going to say that it gets better, because I’ve never experienced that. All you can do is try to find solace in the fact that none of it matters, we’re all insignificant and ultimately fated to be dust, dispersed and forgotten. So the rat race doesn’t matter, and whether you make it within its confines or fail doesn’t matter. There is some hope to be had in that thought, though I often fail to hold on to it myself.
Also, it might be cheesy but who cares. Sometimes when I feel like shit this song makes me feel a little better. It is somewhat comforting to know that you’re not alone, and I hope I managed to convey at least that.
One of the top Deadlock players uses a trackball. We all stan our ergonomic king.