That AuDHD life

Nah, I’m AuDHD so my memory retains whatever tf random crap it wants and constantly forgets relevant things like my own address and what I was right in the middle of saying. But even if I could convince somebody, in my experience it still makes them uncomfortable. Or, it did enough times that it’s now lodged in my brain as something to put underneath the mask.

I often play dumb about little details I’ve noticed or remembered. I got in the habit when I was a kid and people would react weirdly like, “why do you know that?” So I’d just pretend I didn’t even when I did, and I never really stopped. I might notice what car somebody drives, for example, but if it comes up I just act like I don’t know unless they’ve specifically told me. I barely realize I’m doing it anymore.

If you like QfG, you might be interested in Heroine’s Quest: The Herald of Ragnarok on Steam. It was released for free and I imagine that hasn’t changed. But I still ended up donating because I enjoyed it so much.

I’m not normally one to point out a spelling mistake, but there is a very important difference between someone with deficits in lots of areas and someone who defecates in lots of areas.

Random thoughts in no particular order:

Circle of the Moon was actually not made by IGA. It was developed simultaneously by Konami Computer Entertainment Kobe while IGA worked on Harmony of Dissonance in Tokyo. However, to me Circle ironically feels closer to an IGAvania of the two while Harmony feels like IGA was trying to make something partway between Symphony and a classicvania.

Aria and Dawn are generally the best liked portable games, but OoE has a loyal following due to its much higher difficulty more reminiscent of the classic games.

Harmony of Despair is surprisingly enjoyable. Even if you missed the boat, it can still be enjoyed on a PS3 emulator with all the DLC and even online multiplayer. It’s honestly a blast.

There’s also a mobile game called Grimoire of Souls and, for the really obscure stuff, some Japan only Castlevania casino games.

Of the PS2 games, I remember quite enjoying Lament of Innocence and keep meaning to give it another play someday. The other one I forgot completely.

I’m looking forward to Bloodstained 2!

Edit to add one more: there’s a Sega Saturn version of Symphony of the Night where you can play as Maria. It’s Japan only, but a translation patch can be found online.

I’m in one of those story hyperfixations now and I’m legitimately scared of it ending. Finding it was my solution to a terrible slump I got stuck in. I finished a great game that hit just right, but there was nothing like it to follow up with. Now I’m several months and hundreds of hours into a massive series and I’m going to crash so hard when it’s over. But I don’t want to slow down either, so I’m just enjoying it while I can and barreling towards my own oblivion.

Stories like this always make me think: that dude probably rarely thinks about what he did that day, but to the person writing the story it’s a treasured memory. We do countless kindnesses like this, big and small, then never think about them again or know how important they were to the person receiving them. It might be paying for somebody’s groceries, letting them go first when they’re in a hurry, or something you said without realizing the impact your words made.

I think about this because I’m one of many people that will scroll past a meme saying “you matter” and instantly know that it’s wrong. But this idea is the closest I get to seeing the truth in it. We’ll never know how many people are out there telling a story like this about us without even knowing our name. But they are out there - and that feels pretty nice to think about.

It’s internalized ableism related to being told their whole lives they’re so smart and talented if only they weren’t so lazy. We’re extremely capable - sometimes. The rest of the time we struggle at the most basic of everyday tasks that normal people find trivial. Now combine that with late diagnosis. That’s a lot of years being told you should be better and wondering why you’re not. At the very least, it’s an extremely specific kind of low self esteem.

It may not be solely caused by dopamine levels, but the experience is common among many ADHD sufferers and our brain chemistry does predispose us to responding to that in certain ways (which is why we can break out of that pattern more easily when medicated).

For me, it was studying more effectively. Whether it’s studying, cleaning, or even enjoying a hobby, I just cannot buckle down and grind through the hard part. My brain needs some minimum level of efficiency to be satisfied. If it feels like I’m working too hard without enough of a result, it’s an impossible battle.

So I figure out how to do things better. Someone already mentioned Anki flash cards, and those were great for pure memorization. But every subject - and person - is different. The key was always going off the beaten path to look for other ways and other resources rather than just trying to grind it out. If I were in school now, I’d probably ask ChatGPT a lot of questions to help me learn. But I want to stress that I’d do so very carefully.

Maybe it’s because I’m AuDHD, but I tend to have to figure out my own way of doing things anyway. I rarely expect that the way other people do it is going to work for me. So I research and experiment until I find my own unique path. That feels less awful and it’s much easier to stick with.

Just about every aspect of linguistics has always fascinated me, even basic phonetics. I didn’t have much opportunity to study foreign language until I was older though, which I still regret. If I started earlier I probably would have gone a lot farther. Despite several years of intense Japanese study, my ability at using it is still poor. I keep practicing what I have even now though.

I was mostly avoiding writing a 12 paragraph comment. Any diet or self image issue taken to the extreme is an eating disorder. The most important lesson there is don’t take it to extremes. For people who struggle to diet in the first place, it’s not impossible but also not likely for the pendulum to swing that far in the opposite direction.

But if It ever did get to that point, no matter how or why, it’s not shameful or embarrassing and you can ask for help. Everybody just wants to see you healthy.

I’m only a sample size of one, but I lost half my weight and have kept it off for over a decade. I’m still borderline overweight, but healthy. There was no single trick, but the biggest thing was just sticking to it long enough. Once my body got used to being a lower weight, I was way less tempted to eat such large portions. The reframing I posted was taught to me by my therapist and helped me get to that point.

You gotta be in it for the long haul, but it’s long and difficult so take anything you can get to ease the journey. The easier it is, the more likely you will make it to the end.

It always helped me to think of hunger as winning. Hunger is the goal. Hunger is weight loss. If I’m hungry, it’s not a thing to be fixed. It’s what I want! I win! I’m hungry? Hell yeah.

Get your dopamine from hunger instead.

I’ve always had something wrong with me. The various diagnoses never fit and treatments didn’t do much. After making progress with my depression, I reaffirmed that it’s a result of my struggles, not the cause of them. So I stopped taking my meds, which never helped anyway.

At least, not how I expected. All my life, the mental fog and feeling scatterbrained was just normal. Even when starting Wellbutrin, it was mixed with other medications and ramped up so slowly that I never noticed the difference it made. But suddenly going without, I realized … oh, this has gotta be ADHD. So I got diagnosed and I’m seeing where that leads me.

It’s been a long road, and more difficult than most. But maybe soon it’ll finally get a little easier.

I only mentioned it because it took me a long time to realize, and if you ever try again I hope it helps.

Even after getting a diagnosis my brain keeps moving the goalposts, so I get it. Now I keep thinking things like: “it’s just one opinion”, “maybe they were being generous”, etc. I don’t know if I’ll ever give myself a damn break. But I can easily say the words to other people.

The fact is, getting ADHD properly diagnosed is extremely variable. Some people are much easier to diagnose, and some doctors are much better. Those of us still figuring this out later in life aren’t the easy cases, and a lot of doctors won’t look too hard. It doesn’t make your case any less valid. It just means you have to work that much harder to get the right diagnosis - while struggling with a condition that literally makes it harder.

I pointed out to the doctor that tested me how I could answer many questions as a 1 or a 5 depending on how I interpreted it. For example, “have problems with being on time.” I could say never or almost never, or I could say the overwhelming fear of losing track of time and being late ensures I’ll do nothing beforehand and leave way too early out of boredom/anxiety.

In the end I put 5 because what they’re looking for is if you’ve struggled with these problems for your whole life. Learning and implementing coping mechanisms isn’t an argument against that struggle, it’s evidence for it.

But for what it’s worth, I answered 1 the first time I took one of those and went 12 more years without getting diagnosed. I think about that a lot.

The easiest way is to ask questions. Even neurotypicals get themselves into trouble by making too many assumptions. So try not to. When somebody tells you about something that they seem to like talking about, ask them more about it. Even better, ask them if they’d be okay telling you more about it to make sure you didn’t assume incorrectly that they liked that subject. Ask them about things they care about or put effort into, like their clothes if they have a funny t-shirt or a nice looking outfit. Once you know a person better, you can even ask them how they like to be treated and how they like to have conversations.

Just stay curious about everything and avoid making assumptions. That alone will make you better at conversation than a lot of people.

I thought about my answer before opening the comments and I feel validated to find you already posted it verbatim.

Online dating is brutal and something I learned to avoid. But if you go that route, don’t make it more than it is. If you think of any part of it as a once in a blue moon opportunity, you’re going to go through hell with nothing to show for it. For both practical results and your mental health, it can’t feel important. When you’re lonely and trying to find someone, it’s really hard to get into that mentality, but it’s crucial.

A match is nothing. Meeting up for the first time is barely interesting. Don’t expect anything from it. Don’t get your hopes up. It’s literally just a conversation. So go into it looking to have a fun conversation. Having fun with it is winning because it makes you more fun to be around, and even if you only have fun conversations you’re still having fun.

Fun is the goal. If you end up making a friend or two out of it, that’s a bonus. You might meet even more people through those new friends. Keep at it long enough and the numbers work in your favor. But that could be a while, so this is just some fun thing you do, like your daily Duolingo lesson. Neither is that serious or useful … but kinda. ish.

I can assume there’s a lot of missing context and detail because a long term relationship can’t be condensed into a text post, but even then this is the hardest thing to excuse: “couples therapy would be a waste because it’s your fault anyway.” The first thing you learn in couples therapy is that blame is not helpful. You both play a role in how the relationship is going. As long as they’re convinced you’re the main problem, this can’t be fixed. It’s a flawed and hurtful assumption that actively makes the problem worse. If they can’t take some ownership over their own actions and needs, you’ll just be caught in an endless cycle of getting blamed for everything while nothing you do is ever good enough. Sound familiar?

I’m not going to assume they’re toxic or that the relationship is doomed. Those are questions worth asking yourself, but we don’t have enough information. They could also just be a normal person that never learned how to have healthy relationships when things get tough, and they’re stuck in a maladaptive pattern. It’s those people that benefit most from couple’s therapy. If you go that route, Gottman and EFT are good choices, but I understand it’s expensive. It can still be helpful to buy the books and read through them on your own (John Gottman has many, and Sue Johnson some as well). I would be wary of anybody who tries too hard to avoid or discredit it, though. That’s a red flag to me.

For your situation, once your partner stops seeing you as the problem, you can start seeing each other as allies against a problem you need to solve together. In the example you gave here, I see earplugs as a remarkably simple and effective solution that’s very easy to figure out when you’re not laser focused on the ADHD bogeyman being at fault for everything. If you’re going to be up later for whatever reason, they can just use earplugs and not be disturbed. No hurt, no rushing home, you can even take care of the dishes. If that’s not good for some reason, there are other things like white noise, sleep aids, etc. The point is to break down the problem into what each of you need, then work together to find a solution that serves both of you. No more, no less. If one of your needs is not getting met or one of you consistently has trouble doing the thing, then find a different solution.

You’ve also said they feel you don’t care because of the forgetfulness. I don’t think it’s that simple. Obviously, I would take those feelings seriously, but you can have a healthy relationship with a partner who feels cared for and be very forgetful. The problem is that the relationship isn’t healthy right now. Even if you remembered everything perfectly, that fact wouldn’t change. I think it’s more that the forgetfulness is like a trigger or a reminder of these latent feelings that are always there. But even if there are things you can do to make them feel more cared for, this didn’t happen in isolation and it didn’t happen overnight. You’re stuck in a pattern with each other based on learned expectations and reactions that built up over years. Figuring those out and learning how to untangle them is what a good couples therapist helps you with. That’s why their response to the suggestion is inexcusable.