I thought about my answer before opening the comments and I feel validated to find you already posted it verbatim.

Online dating is brutal and something I learned to avoid. But if you go that route, don’t make it more than it is. If you think of any part of it as a once in a blue moon opportunity, you’re going to go through hell with nothing to show for it. For both practical results and your mental health, it can’t feel important. When you’re lonely and trying to find someone, it’s really hard to get into that mentality, but it’s crucial.

A match is nothing. Meeting up for the first time is barely interesting. Don’t expect anything from it. Don’t get your hopes up. It’s literally just a conversation. So go into it looking to have a fun conversation. Having fun with it is winning because it makes you more fun to be around, and even if you only have fun conversations you’re still having fun.

Fun is the goal. If you end up making a friend or two out of it, that’s a bonus. You might meet even more people through those new friends. Keep at it long enough and the numbers work in your favor. But that could be a while, so this is just some fun thing you do, like your daily Duolingo lesson. Neither is that serious or useful … but kinda. ish.

I can assume there’s a lot of missing context and detail because a long term relationship can’t be condensed into a text post, but even then this is the hardest thing to excuse: “couples therapy would be a waste because it’s your fault anyway.” The first thing you learn in couples therapy is that blame is not helpful. You both play a role in how the relationship is going. As long as they’re convinced you’re the main problem, this can’t be fixed. It’s a flawed and hurtful assumption that actively makes the problem worse. If they can’t take some ownership over their own actions and needs, you’ll just be caught in an endless cycle of getting blamed for everything while nothing you do is ever good enough. Sound familiar?

I’m not going to assume they’re toxic or that the relationship is doomed. Those are questions worth asking yourself, but we don’t have enough information. They could also just be a normal person that never learned how to have healthy relationships when things get tough, and they’re stuck in a maladaptive pattern. It’s those people that benefit most from couple’s therapy. If you go that route, Gottman and EFT are good choices, but I understand it’s expensive. It can still be helpful to buy the books and read through them on your own (John Gottman has many, and Sue Johnson some as well). I would be wary of anybody who tries too hard to avoid or discredit it, though. That’s a red flag to me.

For your situation, once your partner stops seeing you as the problem, you can start seeing each other as allies against a problem you need to solve together. In the example you gave here, I see earplugs as a remarkably simple and effective solution that’s very easy to figure out when you’re not laser focused on the ADHD bogeyman being at fault for everything. If you’re going to be up later for whatever reason, they can just use earplugs and not be disturbed. No hurt, no rushing home, you can even take care of the dishes. If that’s not good for some reason, there are other things like white noise, sleep aids, etc. The point is to break down the problem into what each of you need, then work together to find a solution that serves both of you. No more, no less. If one of your needs is not getting met or one of you consistently has trouble doing the thing, then find a different solution.

You’ve also said they feel you don’t care because of the forgetfulness. I don’t think it’s that simple. Obviously, I would take those feelings seriously, but you can have a healthy relationship with a partner who feels cared for and be very forgetful. The problem is that the relationship isn’t healthy right now. Even if you remembered everything perfectly, that fact wouldn’t change. I think it’s more that the forgetfulness is like a trigger or a reminder of these latent feelings that are always there. But even if there are things you can do to make them feel more cared for, this didn’t happen in isolation and it didn’t happen overnight. You’re stuck in a pattern with each other based on learned expectations and reactions that built up over years. Figuring those out and learning how to untangle them is what a good couples therapist helps you with. That’s why their response to the suggestion is inexcusable.

I can’t help with your primary request, but on the chance that you aren’t able to find a better solution, it seems worth mentioning that four months is probably too long. I’m not an expert or anything, but I did look into it when I had to take a drug test. If someone has corrections to what I found, I would be interested to hear them because it may not be the last I have to deal with it either.

What I learned is that exact time varies, but two months is on the long end. One month is common. You can even test negative in as little as two weeks, but it requires specific effort and still might not be enough if the test is really strict or sensitive.

There are a lot of tricks for trying to quickly prepare for a drug test, but the most simple and reliable if you aren’t on a major time crunch is just fiber and water. Eat lots of greens and stay hydrated. That helps your body naturally get rid of the THC, making 3-4 weeks a more likely time frame.

If he’s already suffering through a detox, you can at least shorten that by quite a bit. Also, it will get easier over time. While weed is way less addictive and easier to get off of than a lot of other drugs, it still has side effects like the ones you’re describing when you try to quit.

I still hope you find a better doctor, but don’t lose hope even if you can’t. This is doable and it’s not as impossible as it seems. It is bullshit and unfair though. Best of luck to you both.

Full disclosure, I’m not officially diagnosed yet, but hopefully will be within a few weeks.

I stream and, as you’d expect, most of the other streamers I follow and get along with are either openly neurodivergent or I notice the signs. The tags I’ve seen include Autism, ADHD, AuDHD, Neurodivergent, and task related keywords like Body Doubling. I would also say that the game matters. If you are looking for games you’re already into, chances are they probably appeal to other neurodivergent folk as well. But if you’re more interested in fun people and good communities regardless of game, the factory games like Factorio and Satisfactory are an obvious gold mine.

I’d rather not post my channel as I’m not trying to advertise and I keep it separate from my other online accounts, but I think the above should dig up plenty. If not, I might be able to give suggestions if I knew more about what you’re looking for. It depends on how familiar I am with it. I don’t really follow a lot of popular games or streamers.

The advice to socialize offline is good and well meaning, but it’s also not what you’re asking.

I’ve found a lot of very positive communities through smaller Twitch streams. I mean like under 50 average viewers tops, usually quite a bit smaller than even that. It’s easy if you like gaming, but there are channels for everything. The nice thing is you can just drop into a channel and lurk for a while to get the vibe, then leave if it’s not the kind of energy you’re looking for.

There are plenty of downsides. Even if it goes well, most of the people you meet will be far away. Parasocial relationships are something to be aware of to make sure you don’t fall into that trap, especially if you’re lonely. Also, there’s good and bad like anywhere else. But, it’s also common to hear people in these spaces express gratitude for the support and friendship they’ve found there that exceeded their expectations.

I don’t want to undersell or oversell it, really. It’s an option that’s easy to try and might work, but be careful like with anything. Making an effort to get out more is good, too, whenever time and energy permit. I don’t think offline and online spaces can replace each other - they each excel at different things. I hope you find your community. Or several.

I can’t remember the specific examples (surprising nobody), but I have had at least a couple occasions where I found traces of something I’d done that showed me I did actually react that exact same way some while previously and forgot about it entirely. In one case, a friend stopped mid conversation to say, “Wait. Haven’t we had this exact conversation before?,” and I while it wasn’t as concrete as finding my own evidence, I was pretty sure he was right.

It’s almost like a coping mechanism, even if I don’t do it intentionally. My life is a book, but at any given moment I might not know what happened on the last page or three. So I have to just figure it out and act how I would act even when I’m clueless.

Just to add: education and diagnosis is getting better, but there are still a lot of psychologists and psychiatrists who have little to no education on adult ADHD. They can use the diagnostic criteria meant for children and often get it wrong. You may find a provider who has updated their education, but the best chance of an accurate diagnosis is to look for somebody that specializes in diagnosing adult ADHD specifically. If the diagnosis involves a detailed history and several appointments with multiple tests, that’s a good sign. If it’s just regular 30-60 minute meetings where you talk and they say you don’t have it, get a second opinion from someone who specializes in this.

You would probably get some good tips from an ADHD community, though the tips here have been good too.

I think you’re overwhelmed, which is probably obvious but it may help to state it plainly. When I’m overwhelmed, it helps if I give myself permission to just drop everything for a bit. Whatever stuff I think I need to get done isn’t going to get done anyway and stressing about it isn’t helping, so I take a breather. Then I start with just basic self care, however much I can manage. I can’t stand going without a shower so that’s a first. Eating might wait if it’s really bad, but I have some meal replacement shakes for emergencies when I really can’t do anything else. I’ll probably isolate and ignore people for a little bit, but if I do it right I start to feel up to talking before too many days go by. But by dropping everything and then adding it back one thing at a time, I stop feeling so overwhelmed.

The world finds a way to keep on going even as we sit still and catch our breath. Trauma and anxiety just make us feel like we might die if we don’t do the things, even though it’s almost never that dire. We have very intense feelings - and it is important to give yourself space to feel and process them - but they are just temporary feelings and you do not have to believe them.

Thank you. I really do appreciate it. I know I’ll get there in the end because it’s the right diagnosis. But help like this gets me there a lot faster.

I appreciate the reassurance at least. I still think the results will be skewed from what they would be if I didn’t have that level of familiarity and practice, but I can at least hope it won’t be significant enough to matter. Or, better yet, that more weight will be placed on the human elements like actually talking with me. I guess mostly it’s just wanting to actually feel heard and understood instead of having my concerns and experiences dismissed yet again. We wouldn’t still be undiagnosed in our forties if people listened.

Yeah, any kind of electronic or reaction based test concerns me a little because I’ve been a gamer my entire life, so my experience doing similar activities is going to affect my results when compared against a control that hasn’t spent almost 40 years practicing. Fucking up on purpose doesn’t seem great either, but it’s definitely something I’ve thought about if I found myself in that situation. It would be really nice if I didn’t need to, but that’s wishful thinking.

I’m well set up for telehealth and I really appreciate the info! I’ll definitely take a look. If I can find a local place that accepts insurance, that would be a big help financially, but I’m glad to have somewhere to look if that doesn’t pan out for any number of reasons.

I’m interested if it’s not too much trouble. My current plan is to try and find any local resources or recommendations for doctors specializing in adult ADHD specifically. I was going to get around to that after the holidays. For sure. Probably.

So I’m always down for more info and more possible avenues I can explore. Especially since I don’t know if I’ll find what I’m looking for. Or when.

What kind of help are you offering? I’m 42 and recent events have pushed me to seek the official diagnosis, but my last attempt was a blatant waste of time. The psychiatrist wasn’t even interested in the possibility.

Yes, I brought up that we already discussed the edibles. Given how long after use you can still test positive I told him the results probably wouldn’t change, and he straight up said that if I don’t stop using it entirely then he doesn’t want me as a patient. It felt so judgmental, and that part of it really upsets me too. I promise I’m not that exciting lol

Sorry about your medication mix up. Every time they have me update my info it has a list of all the meds I’m taking and I’m supposed to correct any dosages that have changed or cross them out if I no longer take them. Every time I cross out the same ones and re-correct the dosages again. My file has a totally different picture from reality - it’s kinda scary.