It’s not about learning lessons. There’s no grand narrative to life other than what we come up with.

From your posts, it’s become clear that I can’t convince you to not hate yourself. Only you can decide to self love, not anyone else. You absolutely will not get better until you recognize how loveable you are.

There wouldn’t be a lesson for anyone in your death, just tragedy and pain. We’ll always be here for you, but that will not matter unless you’re there for yourself.

I’d suggest starting a full dose as soon as possible for a couple of reasons.

First, people who know you are actually less likely to notice changes than strangers. So long as you’re not super close to them anymore, they might not notice that you pass as a girl if you aren’t being overtly feminine. Even if you stop being able to pass as male to the world, you might still pass to your parents.

Second, there really isn’t much benefit to being at a lower dose, as our body prefers to be dominated by one sex hormone or the other. We’re a bit less healthy at lower e in an e dominant system, or lower t in a t dominant system. There is wiggle room, but at the cost of numerous systems that function best in either sweet spot.

That said, e regiments start off at a tentative dose anyways, as that’s both safer for most meds, and how natural puberty begins. There are even arguments that starting lower has better results, but that science isn’t as settled.

You’re probably fine with starting out as is typical, especially since you’re moving away in a few months anyways. Even if you see rapid progress, you’ll probably be able to cover for the effects, especially in winter clothing. It also takes time to find a supplier or a doctor, whether you do DIY or informed consent. You’ll stop hair loss so long as you have proper testosterone suppression, and for that, you want to act quickly.

Disney may be a soulless company, but they hire a ton of queer people because we’re just good at filmmaking!

Not even Eepy?

I think ContraPoints has a video on this. From what I remember, we struggle to handle our feelings of Envy. We’re socialized to see it as a bad thing, a moral failing, so we refuse to even label it as such.

In truth, envy is a natural human emotion that we should make space for so we can process it. It’s not good to give in to your envy, but it’s also not good to deny that it’s a part of you.

She might need to learn what she’s missing out on. Self love feels so euphoric that it becomes addicting. Once I fought back against the assumption that I was a piece of shit, I realized I could be so much happier than I ever thought possible. Coming out was necessary, but it wasn’t enough.

Oh Sky, you look fine and have looked fine for some time. Not looking good enough is something all women have to deal with. Even if you were an actual model, you’d probably feel the same way you do now. It really is an act of accepting reality and striving for better rather than bemoaning reality and thinking that you suck.

Look in the mirror right now and identify 1 thing you like about your appearance. Every day for the next week, write down a different thing, no matter how small or insignificant you think it is. Don’t qualify or include any critiques in this list; only write about the good things. In a week, make a post here listing the 7 compliments, and any other thoughts you might have. I’ll be waiting.

I could give you several compliments, but that won’t hit the same as if you gave them yourself. Your brain will just write anything I say off as me lying to make you feel better. The activity probably sounds like some corny bullshit about “just looking on the bright side,” but the whole goal of it is to make you see both the dark and the light.

You’re only seeing the negatives, but that isn’t more accurate by virtue of making you feel bad. You don’t have an accurate view of reality right now. You sound no different than someone that tries to pretend that they’re perfect.