Interesting questions, thanks! I’m not sure I feel much when I’m doing well in that project. Not joy or pride for sure. Rather “we’ll, that could have been worse!”.
Bit what I’m almost sure about us the answer to your second question. My goal is unreachable, but pursuing it does bring the most important value : living the way I want to leave. It’s all about preparing for the end. When I’ll die, I just want to be able to say : everything I could do given the circumstances, my own strengths and weaknesses, what I was able to do at a given time, I tried to do it. So I regret nothing. In a way, I’ll die, sure and I don’t believe in any kind of afterlife, but somehow I’ll have lived to the fullest.
Thank you for your message!
I’ll try to answer as best as I can. My close friends and family sometimes mock me gently for my attitude, but overall, I think they’re happy with it. Even if they’re trying to help me learn about how to take breaks. I’m listening, but the translation process is quite long.
Being vulnerable with them is hard. But I’m trying my best. I think I’ve been doing it increasingly the last year but that’s never easy. It happens, now, though!
I really don’t think I hold them to these standards. And that’s 'it because they wouldn’t be worthy of these standard, making me a superior being. It’s just that… they have their own sets of standards. Mine are about, err… morals. Theirs can be about creativity, balance or anything else and it would be equally beautiful. Well, if they were terrible human beings, I don’t think we would be friends at all.
As for your last question, yes, I do… I think. I hold them to what I liked in them. Even if I admit people may change, even radically. I… yeah, there’s something in them that I loved. And that thing may very well change in it’s expression, but if at some point I feel it’s totally gone, I may have a hard time remaining friends with them. But I suppose most people react like that?
Regarding your thoughts, well… That’s a tough one.
But a really interesting one as well.
I’m not really sure… I suppose that may be my way to avoid being scared of death while I live ? Imagining the scene and just being like “Well, it’s okay if it ends now, I explored the way I’ve chosen in life as much as I could”. There may be something like that. I imagine it’s more… serene?
I’m not sure - but maybe I don’t see - what parts of life I would miss right now. Because I don’t think I’m… hmm… forbidding myself any specific path I would like to tread with these standards. Drugs? Certain types of illegal acts? Starting over in another country? Why not. Things I don’t want to do, though, like trying to dominate people, I could say I’m preventing myself from that, but really, that’s… contradicting all I want so strongly I’m not even sure who “I” is in this case.
Il not 100% sure about my answer, but your question about death was a very interesting one. And I really appreciate the way you framed it. Thank you!