I don’t really know who to talk to right now and posting here seems a good idea.
So, like the title says, I think my marriage is over. For context: Me (F42) and my wife have been married for 9 years. We got married not even a year into our relationship and I had no idea back then that I had ADHD. Did we get married too soon? Yes and no. The problems didn’t really start until around year 5, so even if we had gotten married after, say, three years, the outcome would have been the same.
Around two and a half years ago my wife suggested that I may have ADHD after things had started getting worse and worse. But although I was open to the idea it took me a year to get off my butt and get diagnosed and start treatment. Precious time that I wasted.
Now I’ve been on meds for a year and in therapy for around 9 months. Some things have gotten better but the core problem remains: My wife feels responsible for everything, is shouldering pretty much all the mental load and I seem to be unable to become the reliable adult partner that she needs. ADHD or the way I handle it has completely eroded our marriage and the love we had between us. My wife feels exhausted and trapped and I feel helpless because I feel like I maybe moved up a level or two in my “adulting skills” but I’d need to be a Level 10 to make our marriage work. Or make any marriage work, for that matter.
I feel extremely sad. I feel sad about the suffering I have caused my wife, who really tried to stick it out. Probably longer than she should have for her own good. Sad because I’ve been trying really hard and I see some people who have ADHD but who also seem to have an “overachiever personality” and they have their shit together so much more than I do. Sad because I wasted a whole year doing nothing. Sad because we used to be so happy together and used to love each other so much and now all that seems to be left is bitterness and resentment.
😢
Edit: Thank you so much to everyone who has has already commented and shared kind words with me.
My wife and I have been going over this many many times. I know what she needs and I am trying and a feel fucking sad about the fact that, maybe, we just can’t make it work. But I also realize I’m starting to reach a point where being on my own is beginning to sound liberating. I’ve never had a problem with being single and I feel like at least then there isn’t anyone I can disappoint anymore. It’s just me and if I fuck up the only person having to face the consequences is me.
I just feel really bad because I feel I have cost my wife so much. She would have wanted to have kids and I’ve always been on the fence about it. I used to absolutely not want to have kids when we met, then kinda came around to the idea (when you’re super in love it does become a kinda wonderful idea) but then gradually starting feeling more and more uncertain. And now I’m at a point where, regardless of whether or not I want to have kids (I don’t have a desire to have them but could imagine having them) I don’t think I’m capable of raising kids. If we had broken up sooner my wife might have had a better chance at having kids with someone else.
I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been feeling awful myself. I feel like I’m under constant pressure because I want to “prove myself” and the more I worry about fucking up the more tense I get. The best moment of the day is when I go to bed because then I don’t have to do anything for the next 8 hours, just rest and sleep. Can’t mistakey if not awakey :P
And our relationship has been deteriorating for so long and we’ve both become so fed up with each other. My wife is fed up with me because I’m not who she needs me to be and I’m fed up with her because I feel like even if I try to manage something myself, take care of something myself, I don’t do it the right way. Sometimes it really isn’t (last week I almost set the oven on fire) but sometimes it’s just a minor thing.
Maybe, as sad as it is, we’re better off apart and would be happier on own own / with someone else.
I feel like there are no bad guys here. Are you on meds yet? That helped my kids. I do sympathize most with your wife - you are going to have to do a lot of the stuff she’s doing for you now if you break up, so I can understand she is frustrated you won’t do it.
We divide labor in my house. Husband is more tight about cleaning, he doesn’t want mess. I don’t care as much, I do clean up but not in an organized way and certainly not to his standards. He does what he can, but importantly - we also have a cleaning lady come every second week because I know my limitations and it’s not fair to push all the cleaning off onto husband. He doesn’t cook, I do that, the gardening, the finances & tech stuff (cleaning up takes as much time as all of that together I think and I value so much not having to do as much of it) and we both work full time. Some stuff we put on auto-ship so neither of us have the mental load. Dog food, flea medicine, toilet paper, medicines. Anything where it can come at a regular frequency. He writes a lot of post it notes too & phone reminders - if you aren’t good at remembering, use timers and notes.
I know you are posting mostly to vent, and might not want suggestions so please just take this as it’s meant, some thoughts because your post resonates with me. I am sorry y’all are going through this, both of you.