A lot of this one comes down to how you ask. This question is not a problem for most people, but if you ask in a tone of voice that sounds like you are asking because you are impatient, people will think you are annoying.
if you ask in a tone of voice that sounds like you are asking because you are impatient
I don’t want to hear this crap in an autism community, and I doubt I’m alone in feeling that way.
We are well aware that our “tones” are misinterpreted. We frequently either cannot recognize or regulate our tones of voice. For some of us, this lifelong issue has hurt us to the point of trauma. I can still hear my mom, denying me because, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it,” while she’s still unwilling to admit or unaware of the fact that sometimes, changing my tone is an impossible task.
I don’t want to be upset, but this is absolutely a sore spot for me. I’d be shocked if I were the only one here that gets triggered by this ableist talk.
thank you. I was having that friggin’ moment where you’re not sure if someone’s back chatting you or you’re just ASD skating past some hidden meaning in their comments - the whole damned thread was “everyone has this, you’re not special” then why are we the ones getting pathologised for it???
It especially sucks when there’s only a particular energy range in which you can control your tone and volume. If I’m too tired, distracted, or stressed, people think I’m upset at them. If I’m excited (usually when around a friend I’m in-tune with), I become too loud. I often don’t notice these changes. When I’m excited, I appreciate someone politely informing me that I’m being too loud. But when I’m stressed, I don’t have the mental bandwith to modulate my tone. Harping on me about it, or holding it against me, is only going to escalate the issue.
I’ve learned to outright tell people, “Don’t worry, I’m not upset at you. I’m just stressed.”
Unfortunately, when I’m past my limit and I desperately need help, I can barely communicate at all. This came up a few months ago at a new job. I was having a shut down and barely squeaked out an, “I need help” while looking at two managers. They looked me in the eye, then completely ignored me. After that I took heavy breaths to try to regulate myself. Unfortunately, the managers mistook my behavior for impatience (they even called my breathing “huffy”), and shortly after they wrote me up for “unprofessionalism.”
I was so upset, when I went home I wrote my perspective of the situation. I even included a comic that illustrated what it’s like in my brain when I get overwhelmed. I presented it to the top management in my center in an emotional roller coaster of an essay, where I explained that I can’t always control my tone, and how I can lose the ability to speak if the stress gets too high. Thank goodness, they were receptive!
Later that same week, we had a meeting with the entire center. The topic was “Professionalism.” At first, my heart sank, expecting to feel horrible all over again.
But to my incredible relief, “helping a teammate who’s struggling” was highlighted as a core pillar of “professionalism.” I was shocked to be vindicated. I’ve never had someone stick up for me like that, it’s still kind of hard for me to believe it happened.
Ugh I feel you. When I hit the limit my vocal subprocessor just shuts right the fuck down. And of course especially in moments in high emotion everyone is TALK TO ME and it’s like I literally friggin’ can’t and your insistence is NOT HELPING.
That workplace is a helluva keeper. And they’re right, professionalism is leaving your own biases at the door, which includes neurotypical ones. It’s just rare to see it actually applied!
A lot of this one comes down to how you ask. This question is not a problem for most people, but if you ask in a tone of voice that sounds like you are asking because you are impatient, people will think you are annoying.
I don’t want to hear this crap in an autism community, and I doubt I’m alone in feeling that way.
We are well aware that our “tones” are misinterpreted. We frequently either cannot recognize or regulate our tones of voice. For some of us, this lifelong issue has hurt us to the point of trauma. I can still hear my mom, denying me because, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it,” while she’s still unwilling to admit or unaware of the fact that sometimes, changing my tone is an impossible task.
I don’t want to be upset, but this is absolutely a sore spot for me. I’d be shocked if I were the only one here that gets triggered by this ableist talk.
thank you. I was having that friggin’ moment where you’re not sure if someone’s back chatting you or you’re just ASD skating past some hidden meaning in their comments - the whole damned thread was “everyone has this, you’re not special” then why are we the ones getting pathologised for it???
It especially sucks when there’s only a particular energy range in which you can control your tone and volume. If I’m too tired, distracted, or stressed, people think I’m upset at them. If I’m excited (usually when around a friend I’m in-tune with), I become too loud. I often don’t notice these changes. When I’m excited, I appreciate someone politely informing me that I’m being too loud. But when I’m stressed, I don’t have the mental bandwith to modulate my tone. Harping on me about it, or holding it against me, is only going to escalate the issue.
I’ve learned to outright tell people, “Don’t worry, I’m not upset at you. I’m just stressed.”
Unfortunately, when I’m past my limit and I desperately need help, I can barely communicate at all. This came up a few months ago at a new job. I was having a shut down and barely squeaked out an, “I need help” while looking at two managers. They looked me in the eye, then completely ignored me. After that I took heavy breaths to try to regulate myself. Unfortunately, the managers mistook my behavior for impatience (they even called my breathing “huffy”), and shortly after they wrote me up for “unprofessionalism.”
I was so upset, when I went home I wrote my perspective of the situation. I even included a comic that illustrated what it’s like in my brain when I get overwhelmed. I presented it to the top management in my center in an emotional roller coaster of an essay, where I explained that I can’t always control my tone, and how I can lose the ability to speak if the stress gets too high. Thank goodness, they were receptive!
Later that same week, we had a meeting with the entire center. The topic was “Professionalism.” At first, my heart sank, expecting to feel horrible all over again.
But to my incredible relief, “helping a teammate who’s struggling” was highlighted as a core pillar of “professionalism.” I was shocked to be vindicated. I’ve never had someone stick up for me like that, it’s still kind of hard for me to believe it happened.
Ugh I feel you. When I hit the limit my vocal subprocessor just shuts right the fuck down. And of course especially in moments in high emotion everyone is TALK TO ME and it’s like I literally friggin’ can’t and your insistence is NOT HELPING.
That workplace is a helluva keeper. And they’re right, professionalism is leaving your own biases at the door, which includes neurotypical ones. It’s just rare to see it actually applied!
gee, its almost like people with ASD have tone issues of some description.