I have a lottery ticket and I am certain it’s the winner, this time. As part of the requisite fantasizing and planning, my dream home requires a dream bathroom. I know exactly what to get for everything in and outside the house, but one need has stumped me. The bidets - while each toilet will have a bidet, the master bedroom’s master bathroom requires the ultimate toilet-bidet experience and I can find nothing on the market at any price that meets my needs. The throne room needs a magnificent throne.

I want something as comfortable as a Star Trek captain’s chair so I can shit all day long while shitposting on lemmy. Then I want to flush and complete the exorcism. Then I want the equivalent of a touchless carwash. Zero TP. Regardless of the size or nature of the klingon threat, I want left and/or right arm controls to manage water temperature, water volume, spray type (single spray vs showerhead multispout with constant stream vs pulse), water pressure and water direction with controllable integrated soap into the cleansing spray and a fully programmable drier with controls for air temp, air volume and velocity direction and duration. It needs to get men’s and womens junk in the front too. Safely, no damage or discomfort.

At the end a programmable optional mist of moisturizers and/or perfumes is the chefs kiss.

All of this must be manually configurable including duration of each element, and once you find the right combination, can be preprogrammed into a one button luxury shitsperience. It should have programs for normal shits, peanut butter shits, high-speed liquid shits, the ring of fire, foamy shits, green shits, soft serve icecream shits, brick shits, nibbler dark matter shits, ramjet gassy shits with afterburners and explosive shits with bunker busting penetrator and severe splashback. Basically a lifetime’s worth of shit varietals. The entire surface, from bunghole, dual cheek, choda, ballsac-penis/vagin must be subject to firm, but gentle cleanliness.

Not only do you only have to sit once and go from posessed by demons to angelically clean and fresh, it is completely touchless. You only have the armrest consoles to control and select your shitsperience. Naturally everything is overbuilt and made to last with impeccable materials and quality. Self cleaning.

This is the dream, can anyone recommend anything that comes even close to this? Do I have to hire machinists and engineers to make this happen as a custom one off. I would think some Royal family has already solved for this and I’m just not searching the right terms on the web.

Please help.

Edit: NSFW maybe?

Edit 2: I’m talking high end multi-decamillionaire and up luxury shits. Not cheap plastic crap like the Tushy or Toto types. Premium materials, workmanship and experiential design. An ass spa built for a lifetime.

Edit 3: Budget is max ~$250k, but no stupid shit like Gold or bedazzled with jewels. Budget is flexible if really fucking amazing. Stainless steel, porcelain and the valves, electronics, motors, servos, pumps, injectors, dispensers and controls to make it work, spectacularly.

Edit 4: The TOTO neorest NX2 is in the lead as closest, but is missing essential features.

Also, I just thought of a new requirement. There is a rare and extreme phenomenon where high pressure shit mist escapes via the the small, triangular gap between the back of the seat and your asscheeks. Said phenomenon has been known to paint a racing stripe up the back of the seat and up the lid.

The seat must be gapless in this area, and be self cleaning under such circumstances.