Back when I was a teen I’ve had a rather weak immune system for quite a while. Once or twice a year I’d have a pretty rough cold and went to the doctor. One of the symptoms I described was a strange feeling inside my throat, like there’d be some foreign object stuck, that doesn’t belong. My cold got treated, I got better, but that object, it never went away.
A while later I went to the hospital due to acid reflux issues. It was a rough time, I woke up and felt sick almost everyday. Again I explained that there’s this weird feeling in my throat, like there’s a knot or something, but the doctors couldn’t find anything out of the ordinary and dropped it.
Fast forward another ~15 years. I’m in therapy, mostly group-settings, and there’s a therapist whom I’ve developed a very strong feeling of trust towards. Very unusual. At some point I’ve mentioned that weird knot in my throat and she tried to help me find out what it might be. Maybe it’s a metaphor? A knot that’s keeping my feelings away from my conscience? Or even a psychosomatic manifestation of that?
Nope to all of that. IT WAS MY FUCKING WAY TO BIG ADAM’S APPLE ALL ALONG! A constant source of gender dysphoria, “stuck in my throat”, since my body told my larynx to grow during puberty.
It’s so surreal, there’s sooo much stuff that just suddenly is so easy to explain, struggles that I’ve thought about for years and never got really satisfying explanations for.
Did you have an interesting “It-was-gender-dysphoria-all-along” experience?
PS: Is there a nice term to address everyone in this beautiful space? I’m a little hesitant to use something like “Hey girls!”, because I wouldn’t want to exclude anyone who doesn’t feel that close to the feminine side.
PSS: Is something wrong with this post? Please let me know.
i know, and accept, i am trans for some 14 months now. last night i realised that all of my problems with romantic and sexual relationships can be explained with “yep. im girl*”. – 4 yrs ago i drew a diagramm for my therapist trying to explain how “my desire” works. there was a shit ton of arrows, and items like “being the object of others desire” … cringe rationalisations on top of cringe rationalisations.
it takes a while to understand yourself. <3
*still not super sure about that label. maybe read: def not boy.
be cringe and be free
Huh, relationship experiences will probably be its own rabbit hole to dive into. Now that you mention it, Sex was generally overwhelming, with all the expectations I’ve mostly put on myself, trying to perform like a man. Pretty much thought I’d have to dissociate to make it work and that’s what every man does.
oh yeah! a lot of this pressure was just in my head, but there are cues i got from my partners that reinforced the roles. it was different with men and women. its not so easy to project heteronormativity on gay stuff, but even gay guys (who would have known!) wanted me to be a guy. only once or twice did i have partners with whom i didn’t feel such pressure. and i still refused to understand.