Back when I was a teen I’ve had a rather weak immune system for quite a while. Once or twice a year I’d have a pretty rough cold and went to the doctor. One of the symptoms I described was a strange feeling inside my throat, like there’d be some foreign object stuck, that doesn’t belong. My cold got treated, I got better, but that object, it never went away.
A while later I went to the hospital due to acid reflux issues. It was a rough time, I woke up and felt sick almost everyday. Again I explained that there’s this weird feeling in my throat, like there’s a knot or something, but the doctors couldn’t find anything out of the ordinary and dropped it.
Fast forward another ~15 years. I’m in therapy, mostly group-settings, and there’s a therapist whom I’ve developed a very strong feeling of trust towards. Very unusual. At some point I’ve mentioned that weird knot in my throat and she tried to help me find out what it might be. Maybe it’s a metaphor? A knot that’s keeping my feelings away from my conscience? Or even a psychosomatic manifestation of that?
Nope to all of that. IT WAS MY FUCKING WAY TO BIG ADAM’S APPLE ALL ALONG! A constant source of gender dysphoria, “stuck in my throat”, since my body told my larynx to grow during puberty.
It’s so surreal, there’s sooo much stuff that just suddenly is so easy to explain, struggles that I’ve thought about for years and never got really satisfying explanations for.
Did you have an interesting “It-was-gender-dysphoria-all-along” experience?
PS: Is there a nice term to address everyone in this beautiful space? I’m a little hesitant to use something like “Hey girls!”, because I wouldn’t want to exclude anyone who doesn’t feel that close to the feminine side.
PSS: Is something wrong with this post? Please let me know.
I don’t know personally at least for me. I have been depressed. Not feeling a lot. Got used to it. Lucky enough I could cope without medication because I met my wife 8 years ago. I had to… “Toughen up” (which let’s be honest was more leave my sense of self to the side…) since my wife had more trauma and needed help. Today well it’s a bit better for us. But never over, situation hasn’t changed much except for focusing on my own a bit more.
Soon it’s going to be 4 week. Overall happier I think? It is because or hormones? I don’t think so, or don’t know. I guess it’s from accepting my “new” or repressed self.