As the title says, I had my first panic attack. It happened while showering and I started to spiraling about [the problems I have with my parents])https://feddit.org/post/23629681). Suddely I realised, that I have no ide what happened in the last 5 minutes, didnt feel anything and standing in the shower breathing like a steam locomotive with increasing frequency. So I sat down waited about 5 minutes trying to calm myself and reducing my breathing frequency. After that it was definitely better. Finished showering and felt good after that (I also wasnt feeling bad before that at all).
I did meet some friends a few hours later. Guess I should maybe start seeking professional health after that.
I found that without T, I’m unable to dissociate the way I used to. Panic attacks were often a sign that I was about to poof out of reality. Not my life; not my problem. Now I’m stuck here in reality, which is certainly for the best, but it created a learning curve during my first few months. Emotions are a maze that I used to teleport out of without trying. Now I have to actually find the way out. It’s a more satisfying way to live, but I’ll admit that it was terrifying at first. I’d spent decades with this defense mechanism, and I hadn’t really developed any others.