Someone at work that used to be my direct manager had a meeting with me to introduce themselves. They didn’t recognize me at all and I didn’t want to out myself by disclosing who I was, so I went along with it.

I don’t like lying, and when they asked about my work history I was honest even though it created immediate suspicion (how could we have not worked together given when I started working and my job experience?), and I just shrugged. It’s obviously a kind of deception to not out myself, and I don’t like that - but my instincts say it’s better in this context to not out myself.

Probably relevant to the context is that the boss is male, older, conservative, and an immigrant from a non-Western culture that is not open minded about these things.

I am pretty sure based on things they have said in the past that they wouldn’t be tolerant of a trans person.

Anyway, to my trans elders: how have you handled situations like this?

  • Evkob (they/them)@lemmy.caEnglish
    22·
    6 days ago

    I’ve never had to deal with this, but my take is that you shouldn’t feel bad for not offering up information, especially in a context where you don’t necessarily feel safe to do so.

    I wouldn’t really consider this to be lying, either. Your bosses or coworkers don’t have a right to know you’re trans. Like, I don’t share my spiritual beliefs with anyone at work, for example. That doesn’t make me a liar. You’re entitled to your privacy, even more so when revealing something could be harmful for you.

    Best of luck navigating this, it sounds like a rather tricky situation to be in.

    • dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
      12·
      6 days ago

      thank you, that’s helpful ❤️

      Even if they don’t have a right to know I’m trans (completely get that, it’s my private medical situation), there is a sense that I’m intentionally withholding truth relevant to the context, e.g. by going along and pretending I didn’t know him, I’m at least being some kind of dishonest - I used to work for this person and I know them well, they should remember me.

      And while it’s risky and harmful to out myself in this situation, it’s also risky to not be honest, since there’s a good chance he could learn who I was before from just talking to people, since everyone here knew me pre-transition and anyone could tell him (and there are plenty of anti-trans people who know me who would be willing to do so, or even do so accidentally).