Hey y’all, this is a bit of a personal rant and maybe a space for other people to share their experiences in the comments. I’m just looking for some advice on how to make the wait for bottom surgery more bearable.
Mine is probably about 6-8 months away, though I don’t have an exact surgery date yet. There are some days where it’s really fine and I don’t even notice my parts down there but then there are others where it’s unbearable to even get out of bed. Sometimes I just want to cut the damn thing off myself, I feel like I can’t bear to lug it around for even one more day.
I know that I’m a woman (ish) no matter my genitals but it just pisses me off so much that I’ll forever be an experiment for people (especially men) when I try dating as long as I don’t have a vulva. That I can’t go to women’s changing rooms without having a complete breakdown (I did it once and have avoided them since in the last 1.5 years). That I can’t go swimming in the same clothes all my friends can. That I can’t enjoy buying nice underwear because it always looks so horribly wrong. That I feel it every second of every day, that I always have to cover it up when I wear tight bottoms, that I always have to worry and think about it. I hate it, I really do. Every time I touch it, it feels more like a tumor or some kind of demon that has manifested in my body. My bottom dysphoria has become worse and worse the better everything else gets. You win some, you lose some, I guess. All in all, life has gotten significantly better in the last two years for me. I feel like I still have the same amount of dysphoria as I did before starting HRT, only now it’s concentrated more on this part of my body.
Okay, rant over, haha. Hope to hear some of your experiences and what helped you through the wait.
I also experienced extreme bottom dysphoria. It was completely disruptive my whole life. It definitely got worse the longer I was out as trans. There were so many things I wanted to do that I didnt feel like I could. I’m very inclined towards feminine clothes and presentation and I pretty much never could wear anything explicitly fem. I always wore baggy clothes, hoodies and jeans in the middle of summer kinda vibe. It was awful genuinely I hated my body and wanted no one to ever see me. I didnt swim for over a decade. I felt out of place among other women, I felt repulsed with intimacy and avoided it as much as possible. I got misgendered a lot and just sort of accepted it. I was very unhappy most of the time.
I dont have any easy answers. It nearly killed me. I coped badly, to make a long story short. I waited a long time for surgery and getting it saved my life. Its been over 2 years now. I’m almost an entirely different person. Its hard to really summarize all the changes but I actually like who I am today. I love my body in spite of its flaws and I actually feel free to be myself, something I never did before. I’m better adjusted emotionally and much better at managing my mental health. I’m not entirely free of dysphoria now, but bottom dysphoria was far and away the worst for me.
The next 6 months before your surgery date will feel like the longest thing ever and also retrospectively like the blink of an eye. A light at the end of the tunnel exists. I’m very excited for you to get there. Be patient with yourself and focus on getting through each day.