You’re never going to “find yourself” so even though you find programming mind numbingly boring learn web dev and get in early, make money, and buy amazon & nvidia stock. Don’t stay local for that girl, go away to college, she’s going to leave you anyway. Then I’d tell them to slap me as hard as they can since I almost entirely fucked their future.
I can definitely relate to a lot of that. I’m in a similar position in some of those areas, but one thing I can say for sure is that people don’t need to be family or even acquaintances to care about each other.
Just knowing you’re out there and in pain is enough for me to hope things improve for you. I may not know you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about someones suffering coming to an end.
I definitely understand the not wanting to live bit as well. I’m only still here because I’m lucky enough to have a family that would be upset if I did anything to myself so I’m just waiting until my older family members pass on. Hopefully you find something that makes that desire go away as well. I can’t say it helps me in the moment, but it is true regardless that none of us can see the future so you never know what might happen to change things down the line.