Orrrrrrrrrr, and hear me out…

You build a tiny replica house so that the fly isn’t homeless. Then he’ll leave you alone.

His child raping days stopped?

It’s called Russia, and it’s been happening since the 1950s.

In the early 90s, my grandfather assured me that he fought and killed nazis, so that my generation would never have to deal with them.

He didn’t say he cancelled the nazis. The word he used was “Exterminated”.

Maybe we should all do that again. Exterminate the nazis. Because quite frankly, this government is lousey with them.

I haven’t heard of a school shooting in a long time. I can’t tell if that’s because they stopped happening, or if it’s because they happen so often that it’s not even considered newsworthy anymore.

I just ask, in a screaming tone, WHO DOES NUMBER TWO WORK FOR???

They usually just look at me, and assume there’s been some kind of language barrier. Nope. I’m just referencing an obscure scene that nobody remembers from Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. A film that came out in 1997. So a lot of people these days weren’t even BORN when that movie came out.

They said QUIETLY annoying. Things you wouldn’t speak up about. I feel like kidnapping world leaders doesn’t qualify as that. I’m American, and it’s been about a full day now, and it’s just now setting in just how insane it is that we just kidnapped a world leader. Just…took him. Meanwhile, here in the states, we’re also kidnapping random people off the street in unmarked cars for committing the crime of being not white.

These are things that should be screamed about, not silent.

Why is last Tuesday funny? I was sleepy AND hungry. I got a booth. Powernap and waffles.

I live in Cleveland. Only thing seperating me from Canada is a lake. I could cross the lake…but that lake is Erie.

Pretty sure if she had been popular at the time, most soldiers in WWII would have fought for Marilyn Monroe.

But she didn’t come around until the 60s.

Well…here’s the thing. Step 1 of your plan is to install windows 11.

In the words of Manny Calavera:

“I don’t really want to do that…”

Dammit. I typed that, and then said “no…that don’t look right…”

Then I typed “asterict”, and said “That don’t look right either…”

I mean…to be fair, he did achieve all his promises. He got people back to work, making living wages.

There’s just this HUGE astrict next to that statement that he did so by murdering millions of people, thus creating a demand for jobs. He also only counted German born white heterosexual males. Sure, unemployment was virtually nonexistant, but women, gays, mentally challenged, other races all were not included in the employment pool.

And the jobs they held were manufacturing war efforts. Whether that was building tanks, making food rations, drilling for oil, it all paid a living wage, and they got to blame someone who wasn’t them.

You ALWAYS have to look for the astrict. It’s like the terms and conditions of the monkeys paw.

grandma

his brain cancer

…what?

Literally how hitler became popular in Germany. He basically said “your lives are shit, this country should be ashamed of how poor it’s gotten, but I’m here now to improve everyones lives, and blame it on someone who isn’t you”.

And people said “Yeah, that guy isn’t afraid to tell the truth!”

History doesn’t repeat itself, but it often rhymes.

It’s still Dec 31st.

Edit: Greetings all timezones east of here! It is now Jan 1st, and it is YOU who is behind!

GREETINGS FROM THE FUTURE!!! IT TASTES LIKE CHOCOLATE!!! but that might be because it’s cold as balls outside, so I’m having a salted caramel hot chocolate with marshmellows.

What? Yes I’m 42, but it’s fucking delicious!

Why couldn’t it have been Earth???

Wild orgies.

Most Bond villains are just eccentric billionaires using Sci-Fi technologies to become trillionaires through commodity speculation.

You just described Elon Musk.