Source: Me.
I’m trying to hang on Cantonese and Mandarin as much as possible, but it’s so fucking hard because Cantonese is so triggering of my traumatic memories, and Mandarin just reminds of the CCP. Like… in my mind its so hard to separate langage from parents or a regime.
Yeah I’m trying to.
But like
除咗同屋企人之外，我唔識幾多人講廣東話。
喺美國呢度出世啲都唔係幾識講，或者識，但係唔係幾識（我都自己唔係識幾多粵語 volcabulary），所以淨係得講英語。
識講廣東話嘅人一般都係啲老一代嘅人。我冇可能同啲老嘢傾得都計，思想都唔一樣。
以前可以同我哥傾計，但係而家屋企關係已經係似戰場。
而家我用粵拼，其實一開都係我哥 introduce 呢個粵拼系統 to me.
所以我而家打緊字都一味諗起佢同我打攪嘅記憶。
我記得有一次我喺廣州嘅時候，佢打我，我怕道走出街。
我仲記得嗰日，自己一個人，8歲都未夠。好驚阿。
我都唔知點解最近先諗返起。A “repressed memory” maybe.
So… you know… it hard. I try to think about Hong Kong more, I think about resistance against the “當今皇帝” (if you know what I mean), resistance against the “朝廷”, I know, Cantonese symbolize that defiance…
but its hard, its hard to when 99% of conversations are with your abusers…
Have you thought about leaving? I know it’s easier said than done, but where I’m from in Canada there’s a lot of Cantonese speakers. A lot of them fled HK before and after the handover.
I’m not saying you need to immigrate, but there must be pockets in the States where there are more Cantonese speakers who aren’t your family. Or maybe even like a discord server?