So as some of you might have read, my parents were not amused, when I started to correct them misgendering me (Quick recap: My mother told me “You cant expect us to get used to this [new Name/pronouns] for those few times you visit”
This kicked me finally over the edge. I planned on staying until the end of the first week of January. Now I am leaving tomorrow (I am helping a friend out which was planned, but I will not return to my parents which was not originally planned). I told them today, that I will not come back and that they are the reason. I told them, that I expect them to call me the right name/pronouns and that my motivation to come back to them as long as this does not happen is relatively low. I told them, that this is the basic level of human respect that I am expecting. I am not expecting anything else, but I am not accepting anything below that.
How did they respond to that? They did not get anything I was trying to say. They told me, that “they need time to adjust”, while not making a single fucking move that even hinted that they are adjusting. Yes I did just tell them my name 4 weeks ago. They still had 7 fucking months to get used to the idea of me being trans. They did not do anything except watching horrible videos of detransitioners. They told me the most transphobic bullshit ever right to my face. If it wouldnt have been my parents i would have ended prior discussions about this after 3 fucking sentences. 4 weeks + additional 6 months of you doing nothing and not even trying and you are telling me that you need more time. They even dared themselves to talk about tolerance and said I should be glad, that they were “tolerant” enough to not kick me out like other parents do. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? You dare to say I should be glad, that you are not completely heartless monsters? This bar is so incredibly low and you are using this as a comparison?
Nothing of this would have happened if they even showed the smallest amount of effort. I did not want to do anything of this. While our relationship has always been a bit tricky i still kind of liked them and enjoyed staying there to a certain extent. I do not want to cut them out, but I am not willing to give them a free pass for endlessly deadnaming/misgendering me.
I am so fucking angry and sad at the same time. Probably gonna cry myself to sleep now or something like that.
Edit: guess who only slept 4h at maximum.
Edit 2: So since yesterday evening my dad wrote me 3 Messages (each on its own is like a half book) talking a whole lot about how much he worked, so that his children will have it better than him, and that he does not want to loose me. About 5 minutes before I left today he called me and said, that I can take as much money as I need from them if I just come back and then started crying. Ending the call while your own dad Cry’s on the phone felt brutal. My dad has been through a lot, so it takes quite a lot to make this man cry. What this shows to me is, that they are finally realising, that its getting serious. This also shows to me, that not all hope is lost.
So i urge you to not give up. When i came out, my mom rejected it hard like your parents. It took me half a year of educating her on the subject to get her to come around and she eventually did and is now my biggest ally. It all of course depends on how well respected you are in other regards and sadly it sometimes feels like you have to have a phd in biology and psychology just to justify your existence but unlike random conservatives your family might actually listen to your arguments if they’re well structured. It’s a tough road but the payoff might be worth it.
I gave up before I even came out based on how my mom treats other trans people, so I never mentioned pronouns and the like (not technically true - I did ask for my mom not to use one masc term in particular and said he female equivalent was fine months before coming out - of course she didn’t take it seriously since she assumed I was cis). Anyways, like 10 months after coming out and like 15 months after I had asked her not to use it, my parents suddenly were making an effort to avoid that one term (and some others). It’s because my brother talked to them without me and as far as I know probably just told them it bothered me and perhaps explained why I had not said anything. Unfortunately, people can’t just magically have a third party to represent them that aren’t seen as biased by transphobes.
The past half year it has been the same discussions every time it somehow got brought up. The same 15 arguments over and over and over. I tried every possible strategy and now I Am drawing lines. I will always be open to return, but my motivation to do so is quite low as long as they dont respect my name/pronouns.
Yeah that’s very fair then. I wish you best of luck and there’s a reason a lot of us have a chosen family so i hope you’ll find yours 💜