So as some of you might have read, my parents were not amused, when I started to correct them misgendering me (Quick recap: My mother told me “You cant expect us to get used to this [new Name/pronouns] for those few times you visit”
This kicked me finally over the edge. I planned on staying until the end of the first week of January. Now I am leaving tomorrow (I am helping a friend out which was planned, but I will not return to my parents which was not originally planned). I told them today, that I will not come back and that they are the reason. I told them, that I expect them to call me the right name/pronouns and that my motivation to come back to them as long as this does not happen is relatively low. I told them, that this is the basic level of human respect that I am expecting. I am not expecting anything else, but I am not accepting anything below that.
How did they respond to that? They did not get anything I was trying to say. They told me, that “they need time to adjust”, while not making a single fucking move that even hinted that they are adjusting. Yes I did just tell them my name 4 weeks ago. They still had 7 fucking months to get used to the idea of me being trans. They did not do anything except watching horrible videos of detransitioners. They told me the most transphobic bullshit ever right to my face. If it wouldnt have been my parents i would have ended prior discussions about this after 3 fucking sentences. 4 weeks + additional 6 months of you doing nothing and not even trying and you are telling me that you need more time. They even dared themselves to talk about tolerance and said I should be glad, that they were “tolerant” enough to not kick me out like other parents do. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? You dare to say I should be glad, that you are not completely heartless monsters? This bar is so incredibly low and you are using this as a comparison?
Nothing of this would have happened if they even showed the smallest amount of effort. I did not want to do anything of this. While our relationship has always been a bit tricky i still kind of liked them and enjoyed staying there to a certain extent. I do not want to cut them out, but I am not willing to give them a free pass for endlessly deadnaming/misgendering me.
I am so fucking angry and sad at the same time. Probably gonna cry myself to sleep now or something like that.
Edit: guess who only slept 4h at maximum.
Edit 2: So since yesterday evening my dad wrote me 3 Messages (each on its own is like a half book) talking a whole lot about how much he worked, so that his children will have it better than him, and that he does not want to loose me. About 5 minutes before I left today he called me and said, that I can take as much money as I need from them if I just come back and then started crying. Ending the call while your own dad Cry’s on the phone felt brutal. My dad has been through a lot, so it takes quite a lot to make this man cry. What this shows to me is, that they are finally realising, that its getting serious. This also shows to me, that not all hope is lost.
So i urge you to not give up. When i came out, my mom rejected it hard like your parents. It took me half a year of educating her on the subject to get her to come around and she eventually did and is now my biggest ally. It all of course depends on how well respected you are in other regards and sadly it sometimes feels like you have to have a phd in biology and psychology just to justify your existence but unlike random conservatives your family might actually listen to your arguments if they’re well structured. It’s a tough road but the payoff might be worth it.
The past half year it has been the same discussions every time it somehow got brought up. The same 15 arguments over and over and over. I tried every possible strategy and now I Am drawing lines. I will always be open to return, but my motivation to do so is quite low as long as they dont respect my name/pronouns.
Yeah that’s very fair then. I wish you best of luck and there’s a reason a lot of us have a chosen family so i hope you’ll find yours 💜
🫂🫂
I started my excommunication last call I picked up my eggcell(🥚) donor’s incoming. She admitted to me more previously ago that she went to a vacation te Europe, knowing fully I do not have the means to emigrate myself there. This last call: “I was in Bush Gardens with your father, now driving back.” You know, where Nazis were caught feeding alligators with minorities. I told her how to install SimpleX on a phone I bought her, so she can send me the money she said she wanted to wire me.
This Xmas, she sent me SMS, calls, and used her husband to wish me Xmas. Knowing extremely well how vulnerable I am in Hokkaido, with Xi drills.
So I am giving her the tough love she gave me back: Excommunication until she improves her technical prowess. I even told her much earlier: “Pray to your deity to give you wisdom if this is too difficult for you.”
I cannot be a psychiatrist to an ASD NPD PTSD now in depression. I told her to find herself first before we can be comrades. She still thinks of me as her son, and not a comrade. The religious brainwashing is too ingrained.
These are approximate translations. 🥚’s English isn’t that strong. I ended up teaching her English during my groupschooling.
They even dared themselves to talk about tolerance and said I should be glad, that they were “tolerant” enough to not kick me out like other parents do.
Saying this after you told them you were leaving and not coming back is like a manager saying “you’re lucky I don’t fire you for this” after an employee hands in their resignation.
I quit a job in part because they started edging the line of ethics every day, and I reached a point where any day I could be asked to do something unethical, and not wanting to be put in that position, I decided to quit without giving advanced notice, just an email one night where I highlighted reasons for it.
The HR guy emailed back, accepting my resignation, but included a dig that it was “also unethical” to leave without giving 2 weeks notice. 😂 Dude, 2 weeks is a courtesy. If the company had responded to issues earlier, perhaps I would’ve considered staying another 2 weeks. But we were being asked to do things that may even have been illegal, and I was not about to stick around until something went wrong.
Well, Im still financially dependend on them and I am willing to come back any time, but not if they not respect the most basic thing of my personality.
Im still financially dependend on them…
As long as they’ve got that leverage over you, they’re likely not going to change as quickly as you’d like - if at all. Be aware of this fact…
Hard truth here.
AS soon as you can, jump from being dependent on them. Yes, it’s gonna blow donkey balls and be miserable for a few years, until you get your working/adult feet under you, but the sooner you cut that cord the better you will be.
In the long run, you’ll be glad you moved on with your adult life and gained financial independence.
The other thing, is that as you step into your new life and you’re in the hustle of making money and scratching out a life - the angst over your folks will fade into the background. You’re gonna be so busy making ends meet you won’t have time or energy for parental drama.
God’s honest on that.
The first steps out into independence are the hardest. Grit your teeth and leap.
You’ve got more strength than you know… you got this.
Bonus content: As my father has already stated before, he will not use my name, since it reminds him of the name of his mother and he does not want to have anything that reminds him of her (long and very dirty conflict that involved a lot of violence and the police) (I wouldnt say, that my name is a short form of her name, but that doesnt matter for him). My mother literally dared to make me the reason that all of this has happened, since I could have just chosen a female version of my name (which sounds absolutely horrible).
You cant make this shit up.
There’s a certain irony in him not wanting to be reminded of a parent who pushed him away so he… Becomes a parent who pushes his own child away.
Thought of this too.
That’s horrible. And your anger and sadness are justified, but so are your actions.
Sorry you have to deal with this. I wish you better friends and chosen family in 2026.
I’m really sorry they responded in such a shitty way :(
It’s fairly obvious when somebody is making an effort. If they make mistakes they correct themselves, etc. It sounds like they aren’t trying.
I hope they come around eventually. Not because they deserve you, but because you deserve parents who love you unconditionally, and treat you with respect. 🫂
I was expecting that to happen to you eventually. From personal experience I recommend low contact, because on the one hand it helps your personal development when you’re not too much around naysayers to your very identity and on the other hand because you’re in a position of power long term (they will need the connection and reassurance way more than you, given that you already stood up for yourself, while they doubted their child over nothing). You’re the adult here and that will sting for them, regardless of their awareness or dissociation.
My parents are at the point where they’re misgendering me with they/them instead of he/him.
I’ve half a mind to cut them off but I’m trying not to. Trying to be good. They got about ten years left before they cut me (and the world) off.
Lmao, what’s even the point? That’s basically worse than just using the right ones. They show they can remember and change and all that to the wrong pronouns? Come on……
Virtue, or anti virtue signaling.
it’s a common thing cis people do: “well i won’t completely misgender you out of politeness, but also i don’t see you as your gender so you’re getting they/themmed as a compromise”
and when you bring it up to them they’ll be all like “but it’s gender neutral what’s the issue? would you rather i misgender you?” 🙃
It does get easier and your life will be better for it. Not having to endure abuse or at least lessen it will make life better.
