I don’t think I can ever let my parents know I’m an atheist and with that seems to go my chance of having kids.
Which got me curious: can any irreligious people on here who have kids while having religious parents share what thats like?
Would love to hear your stories or thoughts on this in general.
I don’t have kids (yet, maybe never) but my mom has made it clear she will get them baptized against my wishes one way or another. Then she’s surprised when I remind her she won’t be allowed to be alone with them. My dad has been wishy washy enough I told him I don’t trust him not to fold to mom’s wishes so he’s under the same rules, and he just nodded and acknowledged that’s fair.
A lifetime of setting boundaries makes me jaded but prepared.
While I realize that hard boundry setting is the new norm sometimes harm reduction is a better strategy. While a lot of folk have religious trauma to deal with that makes them want to do exactly zero church stuff one aspect of not believing in God is that a lot of the ritual aspects are pretty low stakes once one you strip away the mysticism. One way to handle the worry of your Mom wanting to do something dangerous to essentially just splash water on your kid is to participate in the silly ritual safely so that it’s done with minimum risk.
There definitely are hills to die on but if you give an order you know won’t be obeyed because the stakes from your Mother’s perspective are incredibly high then one way to look at it is baby’s safety comes first. Not because of the possible existence of the soul but because risking kidnapping to perform at end of day a boring nothing ceremony that ultimately means nothing isn’t a good idea. If it is distasteful to participate because of trauma then recognizing that you can deputize somebody you trust to get the hurdle over with is an option but realistically, your kid will never gain that same trauma from this. They will grow up with a completely different belief system as their basic. If them simply being baptized is a personal trigger it is wise to unpack exactly why because whether they are or not isn’t something your kid is likely going to care about. Having grown up in an agnostic environment and having a number of friends in the same situation some of us were baptized for the sake of family peace but for everyone I know it’s a complete non-event. One advantage of these things actually meaning nothing is that there is no change of state. A baptized baby and a non baptized baby are the same.
To my crew anyway a lot of us our parents aversion or reactions to church stuff seems out of proportion due to them having a history. Theirs is a more volitile strongly opinionated atheism as opposed to the more passive naturalized one we developed because we do not feel betrayed by belief. Sometimes their aversion causes them to do things which from the outside display that they are still letting their rejection of religious upbringing effect their judgment in an outsized way because they didn’t ever really heal.
Allowing contact is the compromise position and harm reduction strategy. Hard line would be to cut religious zealot parents out entirely. If you think they would stop at splashing water on a baby, I have a bridge to sell you.
I don’t think I can ever let my parents know I’m an atheist and with that seems to go my chance of having kids.
I know at first it sounds difficult because you care for your parents. But this is your life and whether they choose to respect your choices or not is up to them. If you want kids, have kids. If you want to be an atheist, be an atheist. If you want to dye your hair blue, dye your hair blue.
Your parents don’t have to agree with your choices (as long as you’re not breaking the law or anything like that)… but they should respect you and your choices.
TL;DR: Don’t live for your parents, live for you.
as long as you’re not breaking the law or anything like that
unless it’s against the law to be atheist. Then fuck the law (but better be not so vocal about it)
I don’t think I can ever let my parents know I’m an atheist and with that seems to go my chance of having kids.
I agree, but probably not for the reason you think. If you’re still so caught up in your parents’ bosom that you can’t notify them that you disagree with them, you’re not ready to be a parent yourself.
Why do you let your parents religious choices for themselves runyour life? Do you want to live that way? What would happen if you lived your own values? Would it really be as bad as you think it will be?
I’m not sure why you let your parents be the deciding factor in whether you have kids or not? It’s not up to them.
If I have kids I won’t raise them by a religion or put them through the expected rituals, and my parents will notice that. Which would then force me to come out. So not ruining my relationship with them means not having kids.
I guess you just live in a very different world than me. I would never let my parents dictate my life like that. They either accept me for who I am or they don’t get to be part of my life. I would also never try to dictate life for my own kids like that when they are adult human beings.
I understand it’s scary. I’ve been there. However you have to understand how toxic it is to live this way. It will be hard but if being who you are means losing your family then maybe it’s time to let them go.
Focus on building yourself up and securing a good job. When you have enough to leave do so. You will feel so much better and you won’t have to walk on eggshells the rest of your life.
