Hey all. Getting right to it:
Last November, a majority of my wife’s family voted trump. I immediately made known my disgust and that I had no interest in maintaining relationships with any of them. My wife is equally appalled, but family is important to her and she chooses to compartmentalise it for the sake of their relationships. That’s her call. Typically, her mother comes to stay at our house for an extended period as we live far away, and this year I tolerated her being here for the sake of my wife.
But now, thinking about the next visit and how bad things have gotten, I can’t even stand the thought of having her in my house, let alone being in the same room as her. I really don’t want her here at all, but I will again tolerate her for my wife’s sake. However I think it’s likely that I will make myself pretty scarce during that time.
So the ethics question is - given that I expressed my distaste after the election but still remained cordial, is it ok, ethically speaking, to become more resentful as the consequences of their actions become more apparent? Or, given that what has happened since is pretty much out of everyone’s hands, am I locked in to the level of hostility I showed immediately after?
I guess the distilled version is - a person does X, I express disapproval. Is it ethical to express MORE disapproval as additional unforeseen consequences of X become apparent?
Thanks for your thoughts!
Edit to Clarify - My mother in law is not MAGA and I don’t think she’s enjoying any of it. She thinks we can “just not talk about it” and everything will be fine. However she has become more racist and judgemental (anti-trans etc) in recent years. Hates Joe Biden and Kamal Harris but can’t or won’t say why. Thanks for the responses so far and I’ll try to respond, but I’m about to start work shortly.
Your wife made the decision for you collectively not break off the relationships all together. I understand that you don’t like it. The adage that blood is thicker than water applies here on top of any other concern. And that’s why I would tread carefully in the interest of your marriage. Another folk wisdom is that morals are something you need to be able to afford. And my guess is you will not be able to do so here in the way you would prefer. While her family is at your house, you mustn’t tolerate any bullshit and you should be free to express your dismay at the protofascist state of affairs. But I would keep it at a non-shouting, non-hostile level. Your wife has spent your morals money. Try to look at it as an opportunity to change minds. If they are at your house they cannot run away, you have a semi-captive audience, in which you can sow the seeds of doubt. If there is to be another election, this is better than a clean cut, breaking off contact, and entrenching opinions out of spite on their side. Grit your teeth and roll up that rock, Sisyphus. Calm arguments and facts, tackle the ball not the player. And find a way to channel your frustration elsewhere (punching bag in the garage, walk the dog, friendly ear that maybe isn’t your wife’s, etc.).
Uggggh! That’s haaaaard!!! But solid advice.