Leaving my therapist last session she told me I should look into what a “low demand lifestyle” was. My first thought was “f u, no???” and my second thought was “okay but how do I actually incorporate these things?”
I would be grateful to hear how folks of all support need levels have incorporated this concept into their lives.
In my particular situation I have a huge amount of autonomy in my life so most of my struggles are from self demands. It’s a lot easier for me to act on demands from others (so long as I agree they are good demands, things that make sense or that I don’t really care about but care about the person asking so I can do it without too much resistance).
Could have mentioned this as a reply to several of the other replies here. Unable to pick which (nor wanting to paste it over and over), I’ll just make this another reply to the original post…
I’ve just watched https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5eHwmW8UsI (Dr Boz interviewing Chase Hughes; “Chase Hughes: Rewire Your Brain & Make Habits Stick”) and it offers several suggestions how to shift things into low demand good habits. :) Could be handy for several of us.
I recently also heard (I forget from where), to accept our instinct, and not cause friction nor lose traction by spinning our wheels going against the easy flow. Like accepting the “demand avoidance” rather than try to remedy it with brute force of will.
How do you accept the demand avoidance though? At times it’s so bad for me that I cry when I try to ask myself to do something that needs to be done?
Lol I will share when I figure that part out??? (Also frustration tears solidarity, comrade.)
I keep hearing that emotional acceptance is so important but I have no idea how to get there. Intellectually, I know I need to change my life because things I have tried in the past do not work. The one that is the hardest is to do less. I am a productivity machine!!!
I think the idea behind low demand lifestyle is to remove the demands that aren’t as critical so you can have the energy to tackle those critical demands. I have a lot of baggage around what I should be capable of doing and what “has” to be done and I’m sure that will make some of the changes a lot harder.
And any downtime can feel like wasted time, and dopamine is king and slave driver giving seemingly kind rewards.
But burn out is no fun.
(To be clear, that’s “no fun”. Not merely “not fun”. ~ As in it sucks all the fun out of all the rest of life too.)
A big deep long dive into burn out is a hard lesson to bear… But it has helped me reframe time dedicated to rest and recuperation as its own kind of productivity, eliminating any self (or socially or societally) imposed sense of guilt or shame for not being maximally productive.
Stress is a killer.
Stress is expectation’s child.
Much less of that the more we learn to stop “shoulding” on ourselves. :)
Cease asking. :) When it gets like that, accept the demand avoidance. It may be a case of finding it easy to do, once no longer asking yourself to do it, or (if you can) even cease seeing it as something that needs to be done. It’s the door that opens with the gentle touch.
It’s not something I’ve mastered yet, by far. Often still getting myself in a tizzy, trying harder, in futility, the harder I try, the greater the demand, the greater the demand avoidance, in annoying feedback loops. But I have experienced this working more than a few times.
It may take more time, more practice, (or maybe I’ll stumble upon a kind of spiritual sublimation at some point) for being able to remember to do this gentle reminder that it’s the door that opens with the gentle touch, and to take the pressure off myself, and that counter-intuitively, if I stop being so demanding of myself, I’ll find it easier to get whatever it is done.
It is subtle, finicky, this counter-intuitive acceptance of avoiding the demand, perhaps most especially when the demands are from ourselves.
Maybe it’s most effective, when accepting the demand avoidance on the demand to overcome the demand avoidance, interrupting the escalating feedback loop of demand.
Thank you! I think that this can really help me. It’s how my husband gets around it when we divvy up chores and I somehow didn’t think I could do this for myself.
Thank you! I will try and watch later.
The last sentence is kind of how I am trying to structure my life now, but for all auDHD things. I’ve spent 40 years fighting my brain to make it “normal”. and all it’s done is cause severe burnout…a burnout which doesn’t respond to normal burnout care because - again - not a neurotypical brain 😭
It’s probably going to be a long process but I am hopeful.
:) Yep.
Keep heading mendwards.
That you started this thread’s a great sign.
(And see again my comments elsewhere here about burnout and atrophy recovery.) :)