Seriously. It’s kinda hitting hard right now.
I guess I’ve always had body image issues; I think the whole going through male puberty thing does that. But they’ve really started getting bad this week.
I’ve kind of gotten past the whole comparing myself to AFAB people thing, because I want to have a realistic mindset about transitioning. I guess that’s how I logic’d my way out of this feeling until now.
This is going to sound ridiculous, but I saw a trans woman earlier this week with just an amazing figure. Historically, I’m bisexual; So I have, like, feelings toward women, dude. But instead of any type of attraction, all I felt was a deep sense of never being able to make it to the point where she’s gotten. Of never being beautiful.
Which is probably a load of baloney, but what’s the difference between never being beautiful and never feeling beautiful?
I’m not in a state where I’m spiraling, but I do feel a little bit like a teenage girl and I’m frustrated that I’m not able to get past this. Obviously, I’m self-critical as hell. Ya’ll have any experience/advice you can share?
EDIT: I’m so sorry, I should have prefaced with this. I’m married and I have a super supportive wife who makes me feel loved every day. I’m not like in a super dark place. But that doesn’t stop the body image issues. I guess I don’t necessarily trust her, or even other people, when they say I look good? This may just need hella therapy.
For me, what I usually do is try to focus on comparing myself with my previous me instead. I won’t turn into a supermodel. But neither are most men, women, and enbies. They turn into themselves.
For me the important thing is passing and feeling comfortable in my own body. I might look more like my mum, and that’s alright.
There are some things though, that one could do to help. Exercise, like squatting, is great for the butt. Running for the legs. Foodwise, in the first few months, I basically focused on eating a bit more (especially nuts, vegetables, chocolate, fruit, carbs, diary, yoghurt), and burning it once or twice every week. That helps the fat redistribution faster.
This is really great advice.
I would add that I think it’s actually harmful to compare yourself to other people. I told an (amazing) boss of mine that I was comparing myself to other people and she said “aaah, the old ‘compare and despair.’”
Her putting it so plainly made me realize that you literally can’t compare yourself accurately with other people. You can only compare you to your previous self.
The other quote I think about a lot is from Theolonious Monk, who said “a genius is the one most like himself.” Replace “himself” with any other pronoun and it’s just as true.
While what I can say isn’t from a trans perspective, chasing an ‘ideal’ is hopefully a universal enough experience that maybe this advice can still find some purchase…
To start, it is always wise to realize that “perfect” is subjective. What one person idolizes as an 11/10 is going to be someone’s 7/10 or worse. While it is extremely important to feel comfortable in one’s own skin, it is similarly important to realize that what you expect may not be realistic even if you were born exactly as you wished.
For an example of something closer to my wheelhouse (in hope that I can speak accurately); even if I still wanted to look like a ripped action figure from the 80s/90s, that ‘look’ comes with gross compromise. The people who do look like that are basically always on steroids (literally gender affirming hormone treatment) and doing all sorts of terrible things to their diet to keep their fat percentage so low. That’s while they’re still exercizing and etc, all which really drains on your energy levels even if you’re eating healthy. It’s a HUGE chore at the best of times, and a self-imposed death-curse at the worst of times.
Don’t do that to yourself. PLEASE don’t do that to yourself.
It’s not fun. It’s not even ‘satisfying’ outside of the few moments of adoration from those you’re likely not being honest with. Like Arnold once said, “it’s like cumming”. Do you want to torture yourself just to ‘get off’ on those rare moments of adoration?
Something tells me if you’re even making such a post, the answer is, “no”.
So then what is the answer? The sad truth is, there isn’t an easy answer. There are no “easy” solutions. You just need to figure out an “ideal” that is actually within your wheelhouse, and focus on that instead of the “perfect” example.
Not only will you be happier striving for something you can attain, you’ll be more attractive to someone that won’t be toxic for you.
Seek relationships that want to see you healthy, not just sticking to some crazy ideal. There is no better advocate than yourself for your own health, so learn to target what is healthy for you, and not what exists in some photoshopped poster.
Even if you’re somehow the weirdest person in existence (and you’re not), there is someone out there for which YOU are their ideal suitor. Find the people that will rizz you up for being a badass ‘you’.
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