Mods, please lmk if this post is not appropriate for this community

My dream is to have someone—anyone—see me as more than just a friend. To have someone who wants me, in more than just a sexual way. That dream haunts me.

The only attention I receive is from Grindr. I see my worth as how much I can starve myself to stay thin. I figure at least if I’m petite, pervs online will want to use me as part of their fetish. I oblige them because they desire me in those fleeting moments. After they get what they want, they never contact me again. That is my value as a person.

I’m so insecure, so unconfident. I see people like my best friend, who can get any guy she wants without even trying, and I have only envy and resentment. What’s worse, I think I have feelings for her, unrequited love that will only serve to hurt more as she explores her new life as a single woman. I don’t think even she sees me as a woman, but as a feminine man who lies to himself in the mirror each day. A pretender.

I don’t even try anymore. What’s the fucking point?

Clearly I’m not in a good place mentally/emotionally. I’m tired of therapy; it has not helped me. I feel like a failure in almost all aspects of my life. I can’t even get high anymore, so now on particularly bad days I drink instead. Today I’m getting drunk. I don’t care to tell anyone IRL how I really feel these days. It’s just a waste of breath on my part, and a waste of time on their’s. No one I care about wants to hear about my problems, feelings and fears anymore. It’s best to accept this bitter reality—better to be the funny person than to share my internal struggles and profound sadness.

I’ve got my son, and he is going to venture out into the world on his own in a matter of a few years. Then I will truly feel alone. His love is what keeps me on this earth, nothing else.

Edit:

I told my best friend how shitty I’m feeling over text, she said she’d call me. She didn’t. I waited all day for her call. I’m always there for her, but when I really needed her today, she was nowhere to be found. That really hurt. Like really bad.

  • streetfestival@lemmy.caEnglish
    9·
    2 days ago

    Thank you for posting this, because it makes me feel more connected and less alone. Your story seems to resonate with many others here too. I can tell you’re in a lot of pain and have been for a while, and hopelessness has set in to some degree. It won’t be easy to turn things around of course, or happen overnight, but I completely believe you can do it. I can tell your relationship with your son is very important to you and motivates you to want to persevere through this bad place you’re in right now. I hear womanhood-related issues as your key problems: Grindr interactions, a best friend relationship that might not be the healthiest if she doesn’t accept you for who you are (or you have conflicting feelings), and that insecurity.

    As others have said, try to stop Grindr and other interactions that leave you feeling worse about yourself in the long-term. Try to find trans-friendly friends, groups, or other communities. Insecure about what - is it modifiable? You said therapy didn’t work (why not?); might gender therapy or a therapist who’s trans (or support groups) work? Antidepressants? … When your son ventures out on his own could be your new [lease on] life as a single woman, as crazy as that might sound now.

    I hope your eyes haven’t rolled permanently back in your head after reading so much optimism :P. Shit’s @#$%ing tough right now, but you’ve raised a son - I believe you’ve got this. Be gentle with yourself and get back up when you’re ready and work to make what matters to you a reality <3