Mods, please lmk if this post is not appropriate for this community
My dream is to have someone—anyone—see me as more than just a friend. To have someone who wants me, in more than just a sexual way. That dream haunts me.
The only attention I receive is from Grindr. I see my worth as how much I can starve myself to stay thin. I figure at least if I’m petite, pervs online will want to use me as part of their fetish. I oblige them because they desire me in those fleeting moments. After they get what they want, they never contact me again. That is my value as a person.
I’m so insecure, so unconfident. I see people like my best friend, who can get any guy she wants without even trying, and I have only envy and resentment. What’s worse, I think I have feelings for her, unrequited love that will only serve to hurt more as she explores her new life as a single woman. I don’t think even she sees me as a woman, but as a feminine man who lies to himself in the mirror each day. A pretender.
I don’t even try anymore. What’s the fucking point?
Clearly I’m not in a good place mentally/emotionally. I’m tired of therapy; it has not helped me. I feel like a failure in almost all aspects of my life. I can’t even get high anymore, so now on particularly bad days I drink instead. Today I’m getting drunk. I don’t care to tell anyone IRL how I really feel these days. It’s just a waste of breath on my part, and a waste of time on their’s. No one I care about wants to hear about my problems, feelings and fears anymore. It’s best to accept this bitter reality—better to be the funny person than to share my internal struggles and profound sadness.
I’ve got my son, and he is going to venture out into the world on his own in a matter of a few years. Then I will truly feel alone. His love is what keeps me on this earth, nothing else.
Edit:
I told my best friend how shitty I’m feeling over text, she said she’d call me. She didn’t. I waited all day for her call. I’m always there for her, but when I really needed her today, she was nowhere to be found. That really hurt. Like really bad.
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Thank you for posting this, because it makes me feel more connected and less alone. Your story seems to resonate with many others here too. I can tell you’re in a lot of pain and have been for a while, and hopelessness has set in to some degree. It won’t be easy to turn things around of course, or happen overnight, but I completely believe you can do it. I can tell your relationship with your son is very important to you and motivates you to want to persevere through this bad place you’re in right now. I hear womanhood-related issues as your key problems: Grindr interactions, a best friend relationship that might not be the healthiest if she doesn’t accept you for who you are (or you have conflicting feelings), and that insecurity.
As others have said, try to stop Grindr and other interactions that leave you feeling worse about yourself in the long-term. Try to find trans-friendly friends, groups, or other communities. Insecure about what - is it modifiable? You said therapy didn’t work (why not?); might gender therapy or a therapist who’s trans (or support groups) work? Antidepressants? … When your son ventures out on his own could be your new [lease on] life as a single woman, as crazy as that might sound now.
I hope your eyes haven’t rolled permanently back in your head after reading so much optimism :P. Shit’s @#$%ing tough right now, but you’ve raised a son - I believe you’ve got this. Be gentle with yourself and get back up when you’re ready and work to make what matters to you a reality <3
A T4T relationship might be better, that way you both (probably) understand each other better than you and the average Grindr person would. Or maybe even just having safe queer friends to talk to.
From my experience, it was very hard to have good friendships or romantic relationships while I hated myself, so anything to bootstrap your self worth is probably good. If Grindr is giving you a quick dopamine hit but leaving you feeling worthless as a person, that’s probably a net negative. Also keep in mind that progress is nonlinear; the first 50% of effort will seem to increase your self worth very little, but even a small increase is great because that growth is exponential.
First of all, you are absolutely welcome to be vulnerable and in pain in this community. This space belongs to you girl and you are allowed to struggle and vent about what you’re going through. You don’t have to justify needing support, and this community was made for you.
You are a woman. It’s not dependent on you meeting certain criteria or appearing a certain way or presenting a certain face. It’s you. You’re a mom too, and that pressure is a lot on your shoulders as well. You can only take things one day at a time. Spending time with chasers was definitely a mistake I made in the past. It feels incredibly dehumanizing because it is. It’s being reduced down to body parts and consumed by others. I struggled with severe dysphoria and depression for years, I know it’s hard. Reaching out like this was a step you made for yourself. That’s a step you should recognize. Community is important for trans folks. It can be so isolating without others who understand what you’re going through. You’re not alone. I hope today at least is a bit easier.
If I could push a button and never existed for anyone, I’m afraid I would push it.
Hey, I know this feeling. Let it pass. Dwelling here leads to bad places that nobody should have to be in. You deserve love and peace, just as much as anyone else. Please don’t be a statistic! If you need help, reach out! DMs are fine here. Call the Trevor Project if you’re still feeling this way. It hurts me worse than dysphoria to see stories like yours. They’re valid feelings and they’re real, but they stem from external factors. Push them away and spend some time thinking about the you that you love 💖
;{ You don’t have to stop here. Pause, collect yourself, and keep telling your story!
I found a place to hide at work last night (it was very slow) and cried it out for a little while. It helped. I still feel like shit, but the intrusive thoughts are a lot quieter right now. I just want to be happy, but I don’t see it happening. I was able to put the mask back on, so I’m not drawing the attention of those around me. Just keep faking it.
Same.
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Have you read any of Casey Plett’s works? I think you might find it relatable, her collection of short stories A Safe Girl to Love might be a good place to start (but I love everything she has written).
All I can say is that you’re in the same boat as so many other women, and not just trans women. So many of us feel worthless and reduced to what we can provide sexually to men who throw us away after they are done getting what they want. These are struggles so many people feel - you are not alone. 🫂
I can’t really give good advice, but if I were trying I would suggest not letting your experiences on Grindr color and make up your reality too much - reality is so much more weird and open than you realize, and just because experiences on Grindr leads to predictable outcomes like being reduced to a fetish doesn’t mean there aren’t real people out there who are not only capable of seeing and loving you, but who would feel so lucky to.
To that end, I guess the closest thing to advice I could give is to do what you can to not get sucked down into the self-loathing, the insecurities, and so on - and to actively break out of that mindset and seek a different reality. Not everything is in your control (maybe nothing is in your control), but there is power in recognizing the things you feel aren’t as much reality as it feels, that what we pay attention to influences what makes up your reality. There might be some freedom in there, and there are ways in that freedom to see how beautiful you are, a way to see that you are worth so much and that there are other people who will see that too.
When I was really bad off, sometimes this meant sitting down and forcing myself to take a different perspective - to recognize when I thought I was ugly or a failure or bad, and to instead to actively recall memories that made me feel like I was a good person, to sit with the feelings those memories created - sometimes I focus on times people made me feel loved, other times I focus on times I felt like a good person (when I helped someone in a tough spot or did something anyone would consider good). It can be hard to come up with examples at first, but again it’s a matter of persistence more than anything.
Surprisingly, spending 20 - 40 minutes a day doing this makes a difference over time.
There’s a lot to unpack, but I guess my advice is to just not hang onto your suffering and to seek better perspectives, you are worth that.
It sucks that you feel bad. I hope that passes soon and you can see the value In yourself.
Perhaps your friend sees you differently from how you think. If you like spending time with her, that’s worth pursuing.
i guarantee you youre not the only one that has these feelings.
i like to sum it up as something i heard on rick and morty; existence is pain
that said, im reminded of quote from denis leary:
Happiness comes in small doses folks. It’s a cigarette butt, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five second orgasm. You come, you smoke the butt you eat the cookie you go to sleep wake up and go back to fucking work the next morning, THAT’S IT! End of fucking list!
collect your happiness tokens, and run out the clock… thats all we get.
Fucking facts. I cling to those dopamine hits, but my tolerance is so high that even those moments don’t scratch the itch anymore.
o0o one thing that helped me… after the kids were all gone… get a dog.
the dog has forced me outside, and into doing things i wouldnt normally do/try.
could also limit your drinking to workdays, smoking to weekends. might generate the tolerance break you need.
Cute dog! Unfortunately, I would not be able to provide the care and love a pet would deserve, due to my work schedule. It wouldn’t be fair.
ETA: I limit my drinking to maybe once per week. I could lose my job if I test positive for nicotine, let alone weed. It’s sad to say I am happy only when I’ve railed enough coke to numb everything else. I won’t go back to coke though. I think it would kill me, like honestly, it would actually cause my heart to burst.
I can highly recommend using the feeld app to meat people who actually care about you and want you on a level higher than just a sexual urge. I haven’t touched grinder in years. Most of my queer friends I’ve met on the feeld app.
Hang in there, life does get better. It might take a while but it cannot continue to be bad forever<3
I wait, in vain, for things to get better. Based upon all available data (in my head), things do not get better. I stopped lying to myself a while ago. If not for my son, I would have left this world years ago.
Even when he moves out, stay here for him. I kept myself alive with “mom would be sad” for a long long time, and everything seemed so bleak, but eventually the tides turned. I did also get a cat and she helped too
It’s the reason I’m still around too, I never found a way to do it without hurting other people.
It’s hard to say without knowing what sort of a friendship you have and what she’s like, but I think you should really consider telling her how you feel– about her, or at least how you feel in general.
I can’t tell her.
I kind of feel this way, but in my case I am very skilled professionally. My BSc degree makes me economically valuable for my brain and my hands at a higher price than my attractive body. I can see how someone who didn’t finish college or high school would have different views of the value of mind vs body.
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