With other neurodivergents, I feel like we explain what we mean in more detail. If not that, the other one recognizes the lacking detail, asks about it, and it gets cleared up.
When I talk to neurotypicals, or read or hear them discuss among themselves, this doesn’t happen as much. When I ask, it’s often seen as rude.
Here’s some examples of what I mean:
There’s a lot of ackshually, x is a fruit/berry/not a berry/ etc. When in fact, the terms each have two definitions: a culinary one and a botanical one. A strawberry is a berry in the culinary sense, but not the botanical one. A tomato is a fruit in the botanical sense, but not the culinary one. Ive repeatedly been called a know-it-all for bringing this up, and ironically usually by the person correcting others by saying, eg., a tomato is a fruit.
‘Do(n’t) you trust me?’ I may 100% trust your intentions, but I don’t 100% trust your judgment. This has nothing to do with you; I never 100% trust anyone’s judgment, including my own. This happens the other way around, too, when I ask someone for feedback about a decision I’m making, and they say they trust me and thus won’t give input. Like, thank you for trusting my intentions, but I don’t want you to blindly trust my judgment. That’s why I’m asking for feedback.
Another one is respect. Sometimes, to respect someone means to accept them as an authority figure, and sometimes it means to treat them with basic human dignity. It’s hardly ever specified which it is.
I could go on here, so please feel free to add your own, I’m curious!
Do you also find this to be an issue with as well as among neurotypicals or am I way off here? Thanks for you replies!
I wish, but I meticulously pick exactly the words I mean to say to try and avoid miscommunication and still people misunderstsnd me as if they were trying their hardest not to listen to me.
The same words carry vastly different meanings because of people’s primary and secondary socialization experiences, followed by lived experience thereafter. Snoogums addressed it well.
improved clarity only goes so far. The other person needs to actually listen and not insert a bunch of speculative meaning and instead ask for clarification if they think there are gaps.
Partially, yes. Human nature is an interesting thing, full of contradictions and inconsistencies. I remember a quote by Mark Twain…“Some people will go way out of their way to become offended”. The reason that the word “forgiveness” is endlessly bandied about is because it’s the right thing to do, but one of the hardest things to achieve. We’d rather live in our heads and reinforce the chains that hold us there.
As a ND, things I say (feedback usually) come off as condescending, but thats not the tone I meant for, so I have to explain what I was really going for, as to make sure that things are clear.
It’s a workout to have to reflect on my own words and self correct after. Would be great if people understood the meaning without the perceived emotion behind it.
I try to live by the words “Hear what someone is saying, not how they are saying it.” Helps clear things up before processing. Then if information is missing, ask more questions.
And also honest but that would require them to understand their feelings which neurotypicals believe they are more in tune with than us.
I see this at work every day. I am working in IT, and since I get THC for my social issues, I have a career. Now I am working directly for upper Management and it is so frustrating. So many missing details, half assed thoughts and more.
But somehow they manage to not fuck everything up.
They ride on the backs of folks like you who are holding the company together.