I am probably quite agender, as I have no intrinsic sense of my gender. I simply accepted my AGAB (assigned gender at birth) without questioning it. At some point, I realized that I don’t feel any connection to this gender, no feeling like other people have. I also don’t see it as something that influences my personality and I don’t apply to gender norms. I just don’t care about gender. (This btw. also makes it harder for me to understand people whose sense of gender is so strong that they even reject their AGAB, although I accept their feeling, of course.) So how do you “feel” gender?
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So how do you “feel” gender?
As a cishet man, I don’t. I recognize it, I know my social expectations, I know what the unwritten “rules” are and I am just “comfortable” with it. In that it doesn’t bother me enough that I want to change anything.
That doesn’t mean I “feel like a man.” I don’t know if there’s such a feeling. It’s words we use to describe having comfort with your life and situation, and I bet there are very few men or women or anyone else who feel that sensation all the time. Even though I feel comfortable being a man, there are so, so many things I don’t understand, but cannot change.
I would say the way I feel my gender the most is physically and sexually. Without delving too deep into the horny-pool, all I can say is I feel like a man in sexuality. I feel very “male” urges tickling the back of my mind which are very pleasant to indulge in the right circumstances. I have attractions and desires that line up with being heterosexual male and that’s probably the only place where I enjoy maleness.
Everything else? It just feels like wallpaper, and I don’t care. I wear a beard because I know there are people who like beards and have decided I look better displaying facial hair, but I don’t stroke it and say “damn, that’s nice man-hair.” I would feel better smooth shaved but it makes me look like gumby.
I am the first downstairs with a gun when someone hears glass breaking, not because I like being first in line for danger, but because I know I am larger and well-trained and can probably survive an injury better than smaller humans around me that I care about.
I am the one who does the “guy things” because I am the guy. When I (rarely) get support or reward for specifically male things, it feels good but I don’t connect it with my gender. I don’t even know what that means. I feel more like I happen to be in this body in this culture and need to do the best I can with it, and feel no strong urge to change that dynamic. No glaring discomfort, but also no real sense of “identity” about my gender.
Honestly, maybe it’s because I keep the company of people with a few more brain-cells than the stereotypes you see in media, but my male friends are usually the same. We don’t “talk like guys” together, if anyone tried that they would get stared at. Most of our conversations are about healthcare and problems with our homes or backs or family members, real-world, material issues with life more than our gender roles. Most men I know are just “people inhabiting male bodies and roles” and I don’t think that’s rare, I think it’s largely what most people feel.
There are things I recognize that are deeply painful about my gender role, as well as things that give me benefits. If I let myself feel anything at all, it would be a level of despair that no matter what else happens, there is an expectation on me that I will have to work, solve problems and do the hard things in my family/social circle that people who do not identify or “feel” like men don’t have to do. I don’t get that part on a broad, social level. But lingering on what’s fair or not, no matter what the situation, is useless. It’s rumination. It’s the thief of life and joy. You will never be free of injustice or unfairness. That’s not how our world works.
I don’t really care about my gender.
but everyone else does. It is very annoying. and they never listen to me because their gender assumptions are so visceral and emotional and they love to shove them in my face and get pissed off that I don’t take the ‘compliment’ they are giving me. whenever i ‘open up’ about myself honestly I am met with hostility and rejection for not being ‘a real man’. this could be as simple as talking about how i like to cook, or read, or ride bicycles.
i also don’t relate to the ‘privilege’ of being a straight male. my gender/sexuality has often been used against me to justify abuse and sexual assault, as well as the policing of my opinions, behaviors, and interests. I simple don’t understand why people are so angry at me for me being me and not conforming to some idea they have of ‘people with a penis must be this way or we feel entirely justified at screaming and hitting them until they act that way’. which of course, talking about my abuses… results in more abuse because it is ‘wrong’ for men to talk about abuse, especially at the hands of women. never once has anyone IRL who I was ever open to ever received me positivity about those experiences. oh, and often too about positive things in my life i get the same negative reaction because my gender is not supposed to ‘be happy’ about the things that make me happy.
it’s funny when people go on about ‘male privileged’ as if we are free from all these expectations and fears of abuse that apparently only women supposedly have. Because I’ve had them my entire life and frankly I hate them.
Since I’m the privileged default of male at birth and comfortable being a man, I don’t have to be made to feel my gender too often.
Women and femmes get catcalled and harassed. I never have. Women get told to shut up subtly or not, and get their work stolen by men. I don’t. Enbys non-conforming people might get forced into the Man Box and asked “what are you?” I don’t get those questions. So I just get to go about my day not getting my gender shoved in my face.
That said, I’m fairly uncomfortable in highly-masculine situations. Like bros hanging out smelling like shit talking about cars and barbecue and tits. I like a lot of man-coded stuff though, like lifting weights and blasting heavy metal. I also like “softer” stuff like birdwatching and fashion (tho mostly men’s fashion).
From what I’ve gathered, neither of us are unusual in not ‘feeling’ gender. I’m trans (shocker!) and felt dysphoria with my physical body, and biochemical dysphoria in the form of depression, until I transitioned, but I wouldn’t say that’s really anything to do with gender. In a world without gender, I would still transition because it makes me feel more comfortable, and that would have absolutely nothing to do with gender roles, stereotypes, or labels.
no feeling like other people have
Most people don’t really have much of a feeling there either. You just are. If you are cool with who you are, then there is nothing to worry about.
Don’t overthink it.
nothing to worry about.
Well I don’t really worry about anything, I’m fine with how it is :3
Most people don’t really have much of a feeling there either. Don’t overthink it.
But a question which does arise reading this answer is: If most people don’t have a feeling for gender, why does gender even exist in the first place? I view gender as a set of personality traits that are summarized under one term (a gender). If you match the personality traits connected to a certain gender, you have this gender. This makes it easier for people to have a basic overview of your personality without you having to explain much. But if most people actually don’t really correspond to gender norms and don’t have a feeling for their gender, doesn’t gender cease to exist? Isn’t it just your name and your pronouns at this point?
E: I know that gender and sex were (partially are) considered to be the same. It’s more a theoretical question emerging from the current view on gender, I know that patriarchy and stuff prevent immediate practical effect.
Patriarchal control mechanism
If most people don’t have a feeling for gender, why does gender even exist in the first place?
Gender and Sex were synonyms up until very recently, and many people still consider them synonyms. Gender was the ‘nice’ way to refer to one’s sex.
I wanted to die until I got tits. Also growing tits sounded like a good way to not want to die, which I hear is a thought process rare in men.
And I’d like to add, my interests are largely somewhat masculine coded. My personality doesn’t feel masculine or feminine, I’m loud, extroverted, and strong but kind. Or as we say in my family: my mother’s daughter. I did have to put in effort as a kid to not get mistreated for being a feminine, and put extra masculinity into my presentation as a teenager.
My everyday clothing is the normal androgynous style of jeans and tshirts, though over the years I’ve gotten less baggy with it. When I want to look nice I prefer a more feminine look or a feminine take on a more masculine look (leather jacket with bold makeup for example)
Ultimately I do think a lot of society’s gendering of everything is kinda stupid, though existing within it I find it easy to fall into it. That said, I can’t imagine a world in which I as myself would maintain a more amab style body if given a choice nor one in which with that choice barred it would not cause me significant distress to the point of hindering my ability to live.
Ranma 1/2 may have given me some funny ideas as an impressionable youth, but I never wanted to die for them. That’s a pretty important difference.
I’ll admit two major things here: firstly I was what would have been described in a more medicalized time as profoundly dysphoric. This is not the majority of people now seen as trans. One of the major wins of the trans community in the early 21st century was that dysphoria shouldn’t have to be life ruiningly bad to get to have it addressed. Secondly dysphoria got worse over time and I had other signs earlier including phantom breasts and maladaptive daydreaming of being seen as a girl even in my early teens.
Like, I would’ve probably been able to transition in 1960s America, though I definitely would have had to put more effort in and jump through a lot of hoops including lying about my sexual orientation. But had I been in the silent generation or a boomer I probably would have done it, despite the personal, social, and financial costs.
This is all not to say liking Ranma makes someone trans, just that for people who are questioning to not take those of us with the most dramatic dysphoria as the baseline.
That’s a show I’ve not heard in a while.
I’m an old cis/het dude, and while I’ve occasionally fantasized about being a woman, it was entirely out of fascination with something else - not identity. I don’t necessarily ‘feel’ male, but being female is incomprehensible to me.
Compare that with a dear family friend. When they were about 13, they announced that they were nonbinary; and two years later, decided they were transmasculine.
What was their trigger?
While presenting as nonbinary, they naturally got mistaken for either male or female. They realized that being mistaken for male was totally cool, but being mistaken for female hurt terribly. They identified with being male, and being female (their AGAB) felt abhorrent and wrong.
So if you don’t have some part of your brain screaming “NO NO NO!!!” at you, you’re likely an average, 21st century cis person whose ability to access infinite porn has dulled your sexuality a bit.
So don’t worry too much.
I believe societal expectations of masculinity and femininity have become distorted over time. Conforming to these rigid categories will just lead to sadness.
If you’re a woman who enjoys tinkering with electronics, go for it. If you’re a man who feels comfortable expressing your emotions, do so. Why not explore both while you’re at it?
In matters like these, it’s perfectly fine to disregard cultural norms and follow your own path. There’s no reason to conform to societal expectations that contradict your true self. You don’t need to identify with any specific gender; simply be a human and engage in human activities.
I think gender has become another “tribe” that people naturally gravitate towards and identify with. It seems quite human to desire such social groupings. Thousands of years ago, your family and literal tribe fulfilled this role. Today, we seek similar social connections through other means.
You can only feel what it feels like to be you, and since you’ve only ever been yourself you have no point of comparison.
I don’t think gender feels like anything. I am trans, I have been both a man and a woman and in my experience they don’t feel different. In this moment I feel like myself, just as I did a decade ago.
The things that have changed is that I no longer suffer from a crippling depression with an unclear cause. I have a range of emotions, and can feel emotions correctly. I consider my body to be part of myself.
All the above are now clearly signs of gender dysphoria, but at the time were hard to identify. The depression always has a more plausible explanation. The other two, I barely noticed I had because I experienced that my entire life.
It took me a very long time to discover that I am trans. It took a lot of self reflection to figure it out. Feelings were useless. I did think I would be happier as a woman, but that always seemed more of a logical deduction than a feeling.
With my mouth
UwU
Never felt anything other than male. Fully support trans people though even though I don’t really understand. I’ve never met trans people
I’m trans, and to be honest I don’t have a good answer for this question. I have no idea what it feels like to feel a gender, but I do know that some of the things I did experience made me feel very much not like the gender I was assigned. I felt incongruous with my body, and confused with how people viewed me. I later learned that’s called dysphoria.
When I saw a speech language pathologist to learn how to talk in a way that wasn’t grating to my ears, she explicitly told me we didn’t need to work on mannerisms or behavior. I still have no idea what she saw, but I don’t act any different than I did when I was a guy. I just get a lot less flak and odd reactions for it.
I don’t know what it feels like to feel a woman any more than I knew what it felt like to be a man though. I just know it fits, if that makes sense.
I don’t know if this helps but I do very much enjoy being female -bodied, like I loved being pregnant and nursing, love having sex, I enjoy the body I am in. I don’t think much about any mental or emotional aspect to being a woman, don’t feel particularly feminine or anything like that.
But I suspect if I had been born in a male body, I would feel “off” and wish for a female one.
One more instance where our language around sex and gender really muddies things.
In my opinion, it’s a bit of a misnomer, where “feel gender” really means “experiencing joy through gender expression in ways that are not typical of your AGAB”. For instance, a person AFAB may “feel gender” by shaving their head, or a person AMAB may “feel gender” by wearing skirts and feminine cosmetics (blush, mascara, etc.)
My relationship with gender didn’t so much manifest that way.
Before I came out and accepted myself, I openly told myself I “should have been a girl”, but I also believed I wasn’t, and that was that. I didn’t really feel anything at the idea of femininity. That was my experience of feeling gender
Thanks for sharing, hopefully OP gets some good insight from these responses.
Myself as a cis male don’t particularly feel a major ‘need’ to associate with the stereotypical guy things, and enjoy plenty of things historically associated with women. That said though I feel my more native strengths are things attached to men.
Why makes for a gender though seems much more tied to society and the expectations of each, and are really a fluid thing that changes as we go along in the world.
