I just hate how neurotypicals will often make decisions that make their lives harder or worse when they had better choices, and then get mad when I refuse to accept the same terms. It’s like yeah, things are shitty for YOU because YOU made those choices because YOU thought the pros outweighed the cons. That doesn’t make me a worthless piece of shit for saying no.
i.e. salaried coworker choosing to work 6 days a week “because there’s no other choice/way to get everything done”, getting mad when I refuse to also work the same 56 hours a week and being like “Well I DO it all the time, why cant you?”.
Bitch. If there is even a remote chance that I will have to work a 6th day due to not getting things done, I’ll get my shit done by any means necessary and work longer days 5 days a week if its going to come to that. But I need my 2 fucking days off.
At best this is just neurotypical quirkiness, at worst it’s organized bullying. I think its usually a mixture of both depending on the situation.
I’m not autistic as far as I know. Though seeing how deeply such posts resonate with me every time I read them I… Am not sure what is going on.
It is a spectrum after all, not full yes/no binary
Might be worth doing a professional evaluation
I always see this as a suggestion but when I researched it, it landed on a few issues if you’re over 18yo.
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Professionals struggle to diagnose adults because if we got this far, we’ve learned a lot of coping/masking mechanisms that can hide issues
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Professionals are often trained on autism data for children, where they can quickly pick out signs. Diagnosing adults requires significantly more study time, and using data for children.
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The cost for these are not covered by most insurance, and the fees can range a couple thousand of dollars.
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Confirmed diagnosis only verifies if you are on the spectrum. But it also adds it to your health records, which may be used against you (as we’ve seen governments do).
This is all information from Autism Speaks and a few other resources.
I’m not for or against. I’m pointing out the discoveries I saw when I explored it.
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What do I need to hide about myself?
I don’t know how much of it has to do with being on the spectrum and how much of it has to do with people just being extremely judgy but a lot of things are tucked away until someone gets to know us. It also doesn’t at all help that in our experience, people have used information against us to get us in trouble.
As a result, we don’t discuss hobbies, even “normal” ones. Can’t talk about drawing because we’re furries and people are still weird about that. Can’t talk about hiking or nature stuff because it would lead to discussions of naturism/nudism which again, people are still weird about. Aside from hobbies, discussing being plural and trans is completely off the table unless we’re 1000% sure the other party isn’t going to be an asshole about it. - Phoebe (it/its)
I often play dumb about little details I’ve noticed or remembered. I got in the habit when I was a kid and people would react weirdly like, “why do you know that?” So I’d just pretend I didn’t even when I did, and I never really stopped. I might notice what car somebody drives, for example, but if it comes up I just act like I don’t know unless they’ve specifically told me. I barely realize I’m doing it anymore.
how is it that i make weird observations about the minutiae of someone’s outfit and lifestyle but I can’t actually remember things they want me to like their last name and birthday
That AuDHD life
I kind of do the opposite where sometimes I notice something but I don’t say anything cause I assumed everyone else did too. But when something else happens because of that thing it turns out nobody else saw it other than me. Then I’d feel guilty for not speaking up earlier. So now I just point out stuff even when it seems painfully obvious
Same! I know what vehicle most of my coworkers drive so I know which coworkers to talk cars/bikes with
Same here, but here in Germany you have location based number plates and owners often choose the remaining numbers/letters themselves, so I know which motorway they’re going to drive on and the date of their birthday/marriage too. Sometimes it’s hell. I drive to work with my colleague and he thinks I’m nuts for parsing all the plates.
Would telling them you have a photographic memory if they ask how you know work? Neurotypicals generally seem to accept that in my experience.
Nah, I’m AuDHD so my memory retains whatever tf random crap it wants and constantly forgets relevant things like my own address and what I was right in the middle of saying. But even if I could convince somebody, in my experience it still makes them uncomfortable. Or, it did enough times that it’s now lodged in my brain as something to put underneath the mask.
Yeah, it doesn’t matter whether it’s true or not, it’s just a concept people are familiar with. It’s a shame you have to lie about something so harmless because it upsets people. But of course you’re the “weird one.”
I have a different problem, I’ve spent so many years adjusting myself so aggressively that sometimes it’s hard to tell who “I” am anymore.
I know that feel all too fucking well. My first meltdown was after a few drinks with my gf and I just started crying while looking in the mirror. She wasn’t any help, insisting that the things I was speaking out loud to myself weren’t true, one of the things being that I am “a farce that everybody believes in out of politeness”.
This is the premise of American Psycho and it’s a critique on a society that produces these traits in individuals. You didn’t evolve to produce endlessly so that a tiny fraction of society can benefit at the expense of the majority. So you adapt instead.
I’ve been putting off watching this film, however your description intrigues me. Thanks for the brief description.
It’s one of my favorites from Christian Bale. One of my favorite movies to introduce people to.
I am no longer me, just an assortment of masking techniques in a trenchcoat.
Reminds me of an exert from Tessa Violet’s “Word Ain’t Enough” which goes “carve me up into someone you’d like to choose till I’m only pieces of you”
Finding an autistic partner that encouraged those parts of me is the kindest thing I’ve ever done for myself.
After several years of being loved for my oddities, I feel like my whole self again without being 90% redacted
Yep. An entire childhood of my dad always calling me a spazz, my mom abusing me, kids in school avoiding me because I was weird, always feeling like the only person not in on the joke in college, getting cussed out and – in one case – physically assaulted in the workforce… I started devoting most of my energy to just reacting and hiding. I spent most days just getting to the end of all the social bullshit and obligations.
Whatever you do, don’t tell me to relax. Every time I relax, everybody hates it. I suspect there’s a good, interesting person with the capacity to be happy in here somewhere but I get so little time to actually be them.
sometimes I wonder who am I, if said “I” still exists
After my latest heavy meltdown, I found myself in the crater. Nice to know me.
I mean, on various scales that’s what everybody does.
Yep, everyone has to make adaptations, compromises and has to deal with things that are not ideal. However, this is often easier for neurotypicals than it is for neurodivergent and often on a less frequent basis. As in all things both have to make adjustments and both need to understand that the others have needs. The art is in finding what works for you, what does allow you to live your life in the best quality while limiting the impact on other peoples needs. Goes for everyone neurotypical or not.
We live in a society
Bottom text
The point is that both neurotypicals and neurodivergent have to adapt to the same things, but neurodivergent are unable to adapt to some things that neurotypicals are able to adapt to.
That is why neurodivergent are sometimes labeled as “annoying”.
So claiming neurodivergents are constantly tolerating things is missing the point.
The difference in severity is literally why masking in autistic people is a symptom and something that often negatively affects us, while for non-autistic people it’s mostly kinda whatever. It’s totally possible to not be autistic and heavily mask to the point where it’s negatively affecting you too, but when you’re autistic that’s the norm and you’re the lucky one if you never experienced it.
Tbh, neurotypical or not, everyone is masking constantly. That’s what everyone has to do.
Everyone has annoying coworkers, everyone’s stuck in traffic or transit. Everyone has to deal with shit all day. That’s what happens if you have people around.
Everyone needs to shut up when they’d much rather just shout at that idiot who makes their lives difficult. Everyone has to sit down and do their work, even if they are in a work environment that appears to be specifically designed to prevent concentrated work. That’s why everyone uses noise cancelling headphones in an office, because they can’t work otherwise.
Yes, my point was that the degree of that just differs. People that truly don’t mask at all are usually insufferable, autistic or not. Autistic people however often need to suppress most of their entire personalities. For example many people will react to you negatively for not making eye contact when talking, which for most autistic people is not something that comes naturally. They will also interpret things into your words based on facial expressions. When I’m talking to someone and they can see my face I have to constantly consider where to look (can’t just stare them into the eyes either) and what to do with my facial muscles (which still doesn’t guarantee I’m doing the right thing for the other person to understand my actual feelings). From everything I’ve read, neurotypical people don’t have that issue. (And this is the masking we mran that can destroy you and feel like you lose your real personality if you never get lucky enough to find people you can be more relaxed around - especially when in school it mostly just means being bullied)
And then there are sensory issues (thankfully I mainly struggle with scents and some textures, which are overall not an issue that often, but many struggle with noise) which multiply all the annoyance that anyone has from loud noises, bad smells or whatever tenfold. And you also get annoyed at a far lower threshhold that neurotypical brains just filter out automatically.
The masking pressure autistic people have to deal is just more constant and more consistent, but of course everyone has their own shit to deal with.
Some of these posts reminds me of how 4chan talks about “normies”
Why does this screencap look like
- a print out of a screenshot
- that someone took a picture of with their cellphone and
- then tried to use a scan correction app to make it look like not a screenshot?
That dark background in the bottom left corner is weird.
I have to do (computerized) paperwork at the end of the shift, and it’s so hard when my coworkers (who are doing the same thing) are talking loudly all around me. I can’t filter out voices the way neurotypical people can, I have a weakened cocktail party effect and it’s hell trying to write anything if even one person talks around me.
Then I see my coworkers standing around in the parking lot chatting after work, and I just think, “Wow, to have the energy to voluntarily socialize after an entire day of work is amazing.” I mean, I know it isn’t amazing to them, but I’m just glad to be back in my quiet car going home, knowing I don’t have to speak to another soul for the rest of the day if I choose not to.
Interesting. I didn’t know the selective hearing has a name. This doesn’t work for me, so I tend to give up on conversations after a while when I’m in loud environment. 🤷♂️
Same. It it’s important, I’ll try to lead whoever I’m trying to talk to somewhere quieter.
I’m glad to have helped you learn a new term! I never did like the phrase “selective hearing.” It implies that we have a choice in the matter, that we are opting to “selectively” listen or not. Although that might be the case for some people, I personally strain to listen but just can’t filter out irrelevant noise. So it bothers me when someone calls it “selective.”
Oh you’re just acting up.
Or
Yeah I feel that too / I know that…
Sigh
Funny thing is, I have been regularly driven nearly into insanity by neurotypicals listening to the same few songs on repeat. One alt-girl (later turned christian conservative) tried to convince me I just had to listen to the same alt-rock song 100 more times until it clicks, and realize it’s deep meaning (the deep meaning: sex). Yet my kind is characterized as liking monotonity and repetition.
My ex husband used to do that.
Some of the songs I even liked! But it was always a loop of the exact same songs. I couldn’t have the aux because it was his car and his driving, but I also couldn’t drive.
This is why I can’t listen to radio at all, that and my tastes are way to eclectic to be satisfied by radio. How will I listen to obscure 1970s underground Ukrainian rock music.
Like my starting songs are repeated semi frequently but after 15 minutes it’s usually songs I havent listened to recently at minimum.
🏴 politics and 🤘music. I don’t want to scare people 😣.
But also I really really don’t like eye contact. Like I have to look at the bridge of the nose. And I have to just learn to live with fireworks on July 4th 😟. And I really really feel deeply uncomfortable with me having facial hair. Which combos really well with my ADHD because then I forget to shave for a week and have a neckbeard.
And I really have to hide my existential discomfort around the police, because any time I deal with cops no matter how calm the situation starts, they are so incredibly eager to escalate the situation as much as they can. Which I then have to explain to people that yes, I’m a privileged cishet white guy but I’m still terrified of the cops because they’re still fucking monsters who are racist but not just racist. (As the enforcement arm of the State, the police reflects all forms of oppression currently perpetrated by the State they work for onto the working class, including racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, classism, and ableism.)
They want me to hide everything about myself. They keep moving the Overton window. I refuse to humour them. I won’t be driven into a corner. If they don’t like it, that’s their problem.
I put a lot of effort into making sure no one understands how much of an agoraphobe I am
Wait until you read about the need for homogenity in the capitalist system. Its not us, its not even them. Its systemic.
