So ever since I was a child, my family has always found the need to coddle me. When I was younger it was fine, but it’s really had an impact on me now. For example, my mom insisted that I needed a single dorm in college because I “need my downtime.” And her sister for whatever reason, went out of her way to make a private room for me when we visit her house because I apparently “need it.” My mom always labels it as “my room” because it’s “my own space.” Her and her sister share a room. I appreciate the gesture but I really feel embarrassed by always being labeled as “special.” The coddling is the same when we’re out in public. At my cousin’s graduation, we went to a restaurant and there was a food I have a hard time eating. I really wanted to eat it though because I love it, but really struggled in doing so. My aunt noticed and said in a baby voice, “You don’t have to eat all of that.” And that text she sent me in that picture was completely unreasonable. To be clear, I appreciate what she wanted to do for me, but this guy she set me up with is not at all my type. First of all, he is way older than me (I’m 19 and he’s 24), him and I are complete opposites and have nothing in common, and my aunt wanted me to either date him or talk to him constantly. He lives three hours away from me, and him and I are so different. And the college accommodations are just embarrassing. All having a single dorm has done for me is made it harder to interact with people. I’m in it often, and find it hard to have the bravery to get out. My mom says that I need to get out more and talk to people if I want friends, but it’s not so easy for me, as I can only do well in life if I have social stories and prepare myself beforehand. Plus I do have friends on campus that get me and are amazing. The single dorm also makes it hard for me to travel with other people since I am not used to sharing a room. I appreciate the single room but it’s so embarrassing being labeled all the time. As a kid, I was in special education, so I was always labeled as a “special ed kid” by everyone. My parents insist I need to go to the resource center and get accommodations 24/7 in college, but that is just not the case. I have a good GPA, not a 4.0 like my sister but good. I’ve tried to share how I feel, but everyone just tells me to be grateful that I am coddled, and that they are just proud of me and care about me, I understand my family loves me, but I wish they would stop coddling me so much. All it’s done is get me behind in life, as they push me to do adult skills like book and go to my own doctors appointments and make phone calls, yet when it comes to things I know how to do I’m coddled 24/7. Has anyone else experienced this? I apologize for sounding rude, I do love my family very much, but would prefer to be coddled when I need it rather than when I don’t.
Embrace it, take that private space, honestly I was getting jealous I didnt read past that section
keep your chin up, your family obviously cares about you, if you have an issue with how they treat you, you should talk to them about it, if that’s hard write them a letter :)
take care
FWIW, a lot of 19-year-olds experience infantalization from their parents. It sounds like you have a loving family who have been willing to fight for you to live your best life (even if they don’t really understand how to do that).
They don’t have much experience interacting with you as an adult, so they are learning, too. They have many times more experience interacting with you as a child, so it will take time for them to adjust.
Not trying to be rude, but your post could really benefit from being split into paragraphs. This is literally a wall of text.
I don’t have experience as an autistic person, but do have experience with a mom who used to overstep. I was pretty blunt with her that while I know you want to help, I neither need nor want it. I am capable of doing things myself and making my own choices. If I want help I will ask and if you want to help but I have not asked, you can ask but I will probably say no.
I am the same way, my parents do that to me a lot. And thanks so much for telling me about paragraphs! Normally I do use paragraphs but often forget to do it on my phone lol
but would prefer to be coddled when I need it rather than when I don’t.
I think this line is your problem. I suspect your family has been very caring and attentive your whole life. They figured out what you need to be at your best, to not be overwhelmed, and to have a chance to go somewhere you can recharge when you’re out of energy. And they made it their job to provide you that set of needs so you can always be at your best.
Reading your post, I can’t honestly think your life would have been better in shared res accommodations. It sounds like you need your own personal space.
I don’t think they have any hope of knowing “when you need to be coddled” unless you communicate that clearly on a case by case basis. But I would take some time to think about each case seriously because it sounds like you don’t think you need a private room when your post makes it pretty clear you’d rather have your own space and choose to socialise with people you like when you want. In a shared room with bunks you are forced into social situations 24/7 with strangers or people you don’t like with no escape.
So yeah, take some time to think about the pros and cons, then once you make a choice communicate it clearly to your family. “I am an adult now. In restaurants I’m confident I can handle every aspect of the interaction from ordering to eating etc… Please don’t help me, even if you think I’m having a hard time in a restaurant setting. It’s important to me that I be independent in this setting. I know you’re doing it because you love me and want to help me, and I appreciate that. I’m asking for this because when I’m treated like that in public it makes me feel like a small child and it’s very disempowering. I still appreciate that you help me in other ways, I would still like that help if you’re still willing to offer it. As I feel I’m able to take more things on myself, I will continue letting you know like this”
As for your aunt, we all have that aunt. You just have to say no as many times as it takes lol and she won’t like it.
Meme I made yesterday about myself. Relevant?
Omg yes, people asking if I’m good is so annoying
I can’t begin to imagine how annoying and belittling and all that must feel. I don’t know how you are able to put up with it for so long without snapping at someone ( assuming you haven’t ) because I know I would have snapped by now.
I’ve snapped so many times, my parents tell me to be grateful for the coddling lol
Yikes. To them, of course.
The only way it is going to stop is if you tell them it bothers you. If that is something that is hard for you, you may want to see if part of those on-campus resources can help advocate for you. A lot of campuses have therapists on staff that can help you out.
Sorry if that sounds exactly like the coddling you’re trying to get out from under.
I’m only going to address your aunt. Everyone has this aunt, who wants to play matchmaker and is bad at it. Don’t take it personally, just calmly respond that you’re not interested.
It is personal. That’s the point, right? But other than that, I’m with you.
Someone else intending something personally doesn’t doom you to take it personally, you still get to decide how you take it and respond to it. Take my father-in-law, I know for a fact he will say hurtful things any time I see him. I don’t let that man’s internal chaos infect me though, I know he can’t stop himself, so I grey rock the shit out of him until he’s gone.
I don’t and I wish I did. So jelly rn.
That last part is what they need to understand.
If you need help you can ask for it. You need room to grow your own experience. You need experience to easier handle situations where help is not available.
If your mom is reasonable, maybe you can discuss a code or symbol(s) that indicates you’re not ok and need help. Your request is that she does not step in if she sees you suffer, so you can more peacefully overcome the challenge.
I don’t know your dorm policies and for me a personal one really was a must. But that didn’t mean i never had people sleep over or slept over at a friend. If your old enough to live at dorm then your mom doesn’t need to know this. You are entitled to private sections of your life.
Aunt is just awkward, maybe text the guy straightforward “Hey are you aware my aunt is trying to get us dating?” Just so you are on the same baseline and its only awkward towards the aunt.
Maybe write this out, copy it and give each a copy.
