I went to professional thai massage therapy recommended by my colleagues. I had extreme reservations because of… well, you know, it’s a thai massage. But my colleagues swore that the salon was legit, very professional, articulate staff, no sexual component included, very relaxing, does wonders for your neck. So what the hell, as a desk jockey my neck hurts all the time, I’ll give it a try.
Cautiously, I booked a neck and shoulder massage online. When I turned up, there was no receptionist, just a harried-looking middle-aged thai lady who spoke not a word of any language comprehensible to me. She hustled me into a bare room with a forlorn massage table in the middlle, and told me via Google Translate to remove my clothes.
Startled to obedience, I removed my button-up shirt and approached the table. This did not go down well with the lady, who prodded me with a bony finger and indicated that t-shirt and trousers should go too. I tried to point out that I had booked a neck and shoulders massage but to no avail. CLOTHES OFF SIR nagged the phone screen.
So there I was, in my embarrassing tighty whities shivering in a cold room, wishing I had worn my “Sounds GAY I’m in” boxers, undoubtedly about to be ravished by an increasingly annoyed thai lady who kept prodding and poking me towards the table.
I’ll not go into details about what happened, except it was not in any way what I was expecting. She mauled me with a strength of dozen bears, cracking my joints, pulverizing my buttocks. She turned my unwilling chubby body into such contortions that I had to squeeze my sphincter shut as if my life depended on it, in order not to rip out a series of massive farts. I’ll give her that there indeed was no happy ending, but it was an hour of absolute agony and I when I finally limped out, tears in my eyes, belt undone and my shirt buttons crooked, I felt like I had been waterboarded by CIA for weeks.
I don’t think I need to say that it was the first and last massage in my life.
Yeah.
I’m just not into having a massage from someone I’m not romantically entangled with. Some people are, hard no from me.
That said, my wife is Thai. Massage skills seem to be something like Swimming is to Australians or cooking to Italians. You learn some at school but it’s such a big part of your cultural identity that everyone just knows how to do it.
She very frequently tells me that massages aren’t supposed to feel good nor are they supposed to be relaxing. Apparently a good massage hurts and you take as much pain as you can bear in order to “fix your muscles”.
We’ve been together for 13 years now and I’m still not sure how much I believe her.
Massage, wow it was literally torture, and it was authentic so it’s not like I got a bad one. I just always heard how relaxing and awesome it is, but I always thought it sounds horrible. Against my better judgment I tried it, 45 MINUTES OF IT!! And my stupid ass polite self decided that I will suffer through it because it would be insulting to ask to stop. Literally I had to go to my “happy place” because of how terrible it felt. To this day, thinking about it makes my skin crawl and my brain short-circuit.
What was the issue specifically?
Literally every part of it was either painful or extremely uncomfortable. I don’t think it was her fault, I think I might have some sensory issues. Aaahh, just writing this makes me feel horrible, the memories come back like a flood
Did you say that’s it’s painful?
Some of it, yeah
I mean did you tell the Masseur to be more gentle?
Not because I needed confirmation, but because I thought it might be a way to connect to other with similar worldviews…
I joined an atheist meetup group. Well, let me just say the only thing we had in common was just that, the atheistic view.
Beyond that it was a random mishmash of people with whom I had nothing in common. And it was immediately revealed to me that there is some kind of sickness in the overall community of those folks, I immediately realized how insane it was to continually discuss something that you don’t believe exists.
I mean yeah, we were all coming because of the stated reason of shared atheistic view, but how irrational is it to hyperfocus on something that doesn’t exist???
And the other thing, I assumed there would be some kind of intellectual rigor that was present in each person that came to be an atheist, and I found that was not the truth at all. These folks were just as ludicrous and ridiculous as people that believe in homeopathy and every other nonsensical concept.
I couldn’t get the hell out of there fast enough, and I will never ever go back. I will never socialize with anybody who’s identity is so deeply tied to atheism
Makes sense. It’s hard to really rally around something you aren’t interested in. It’s a lack of belief, after all. Though some kind of religious trauma support group would have definitely been valuable to me in the deep South.
That’s exactly it, these people are still suffering from the trauma inflicted upon them
The other side of the coin, in my opinion, is that you actually have to heal from that, you cannot just spend the rest of your life ranting and raving
I grew up in an insane religious cult so I feel this all lol
some kind of religious trauma support group
I have been a part of maybe 3 different groups (it’s been a while) and used to attend some regularly. That was pretty much it for us–a support group where people shared how they were raised and how they came to leave their religion.
I also met with FFRF people a couple of times–once to join a “walk” to raise funds for a cause that had nothing to do with religion or atheism, and another to help erect a solstice/reason sign for the holidays.
I agree there are some weirdos, but it sounds like OP just happened to join a particularly odd group.
Go to a concert. I was young, but it was so loud and crowded that I cried. I know that’s the concert experience, but it’s too much for me. I don’t do live performances that aren’t theater/Orchestra.
Weed and alcohol. I don’t want to go on that ride again.
My Dad and I impulsively got on the Zipper ride at the festival. Absolutely loved it, will never ever do it again, 10/10, do not recommend
Cocaine. It was VERY fun. I fucking loved it.
I haven’t touched it since. I just knew the hole it would lead me down.
I had the opposite experience. It just gave an earwax taste, killed my beer buzz, and the next day i felt like a spike had be driven through my skull.
Same result, never touched it again.
…how do you know what earwax tastes like
Every day I’m reminded by the lack of curiosity of the average person.
M8 just try it, it’s not like it’s toxic. Sometimes you just gotta put the weird shit in your mouth.
If that’s what you consider useful curiosity…then im the one worried for “average” people
Earwax (usually?) is not toxic if thats what you are worried… So you can pretty safely put it in your mouth (or just the tip of your tongue) and then spit it, that way you will know the taste.
HAHAHAHA I was a child once 🤣 it’s not a taste you forget. It’s not bad per se. Just unique, wouldn’t particularly suggest it…
Skateboarding; tried it once because I thought (and still think) it was one of the coolest things ever but immediately fell on my face before even thinking about doing cool stuff.
Bend your knees 🤙
immediately fell on my face before even thinking about doing cool stuff
It’s called learning difficult things. Everyone who has ever learned to skate has fallen plenty of times.
True, but I’ve since learned how bad my balance is; I can thankfully ride a bike just fine but everything else, even walking in a straight line, is kinda difficult.
I had an infection of the vestibular system on both sides a couple of years back, I’m certain that had something to do with it…
Gave birth.
Yup. One-and-done.
I went on one of those rides that lifts you in the air, then drops you until you reach the bottom. Never again. Couldn’t sleep for weeks after that.
Why?
It freaked me out big time. I’ve always been a little afraid of heights, but since I went on that ride, I’ve been absolutely terrified of heights
I tried to watch an episode of The Big Bang Theory once 🤢
—sees a woman in a game store—
“Ummmm is she lost?” —scoff—
—laugh track plays—
Unironically actually in the show.
The laugh track.
It ruins so. Many. Shows.
I mean … maybe I’m wrong here. But if you wrote actual funny things, I’d laugh. Idk. I’m probably wrong.
Without it most of them are just condescending and misogynist. It’s always sunny in Philadelphia has no laugh track and is just great.
Oddly, though, you can’t just cut it out from shows that have it, especially if they actually film in front of a live audience, though even those with canned laughter are playing in the same sandbox. The pacing and the vibe gets completely thrown off because the writers and actors have to account for the laughs, and it becomes eerie without them. It’s a different style of making TV that’s seeking a different type of reaction from the TV audience, and has different limitations. Understanding that can let you enjoy the best examples of the form (admittedly almost all 20 years old or more). Stock characters slinging zingers and potentially doing pratfalls can be amusing (though the form has a direct lineage to radio shows so it tends to be light but verbal – the physicality is a huge part of what made I Love Lucy groundbreaking), but it doesn’t shine when trying to do cringe, nuance, dramedy, or densely packed humor.
This is not to say that you should watch The Big Bang Theory. You should not. It’s awful. The easy tropes and low cost of production (other than stars’ salaries if a show takes off) means that so much garbage has been done in this format, I daresay higher than single-camera “movie style” shows. It’s just that it’s not quite so simple as “write more funnier.”
IMO, it’s almost like telling a musical theater writing team that their play would be better if the characters weren’t constantly breaking into song. For the record, my instincts and tastes leave me sympathetic to that last point, so I just don’t watch many musicals, live or recorded. It’s not that they’re bad; the appeal is just lost on me. Same with multi-cam sitcoms with laugh-tracks.
MASH is one of the best TV shows ever made and that has a laugh track through most of it, although I’ve heard it aired in Europe without it and was mostly better for it, but that is the show that first started challenging the need for a laugh track in the first place and successfully ditched it when they went harder into dramedy.
My father got big into that show. Destroyed his ability to hold a conversation, because Every. Single. Fucking. Thing. You. Say. To. Him. "Reminds me of this thing that happened on Big Bang Theory where Sheldon…
He’s got a litany of shitty sitcoms he can’t just fucking stop with. “Character says something.” laugh track “Well other character says sumn else!” laugh track. “Maternal and/or love interest character walks across room, touches character’s arm, says something about feelings.” canned manufactured pindrop silence “Character says sumn else!” laugh track
Fuck your ventricles.
I stopped watching TV when my favourite channel lost access to several shows and turned into a TBBT re-run channel. Four. Fucking. Episodes. Every day. The series looped about once every two months.
I gave up on television sometime around the end of Stargate SG-1, somewhere in the middle of Eureka!.
It was right around then that only the 24 hour news networks were what they said they were; there was no Sci-Fi on SyFy, no history on History, no music on MTV, no discovery on Discovery…adult prime time television was going to the humorless “gritty realism” phase, and the only topic anyone would smalltalk about was Game of Thrones.
To this day I watch basically nothing but Youtube.
It’s been so many years for me too. Can’t even remember when I actively watched TV. If I try to watch some today, I’m immediately put off by the amount of ads and all that reality garbage, that has surprisingly little to do with actual reality. Can’t we just call that low production value trash instead?
I even tried some of the official apps these channels have, and they were about as awful. The good thing is, you can DNS filter the ads on your tablet, so at least you can watch without being constantly interrupted. Sadly, that still didn’t address the underlying issue of finding worth watching. Some documentaries and movies were ok though.
I went to a Young Life gathering to try and meet people at uni freshman year. The first one was a slightly awkward BBQ at someone’s off campus house. The second was on campus event that dropped off into that Uncanny Valley of mormon-like sing-alongs and activities.
My buddy and I surveyed the room, felt the hair on the back of our necks prickle, and we got out of there.
If you’ve seen Heretic or The Endless, it gave off those religious vibes. Too happy/smiley. Too weirdly perfect. Everyone talking about volunteering at kids camps over the summer and how fulfilling it was.
Like, I’m glad that people found something they liked. But it wasn’t people talking about real stuff, like their awesome mountain biking adventure over the summer, or volunteering overseas to rescue animals, or even getting over alcoholism. It was all hyper religious forced positivity, and this is coming from someone who grew up religious.
I tried cooking an Asian dessert. It tasted like sweetened scrambled eggs.
To be fair, that might be the intended flavor
A couple years ago I was out hunting with a friend and we saw a porcupine. My dad had always told me they were delicious and it was in season so I took my shot. Once we had the meat I thought I would take the hide home and harvest the quills.
Good. Lord. Porcupines are filthy creatures. I had a Rubbermaid full of soapy water and I was pulling the quills and guard hairs out and then trying to wash them free of literal shit.
But basically all I was doing was shit-needle acupuncture all over my hands. I was sure I was gonna end up with some sort of porcupine aids or something.
I spent a good 3-4 hours trying to clean the largest of the quills and guard hairs, and then I said fuck it. Took my fistfull of “clean” quills and put the rest in a few old paper bags and into the green bin.
I found quills in my clothes almost a year later. While visiting a friends house in jeans I had NOT been wearing, while out ice fishing (in the bibs I wore), in my sock one day.
I’m sure there aren’t that many people on here that have been considering taking a porcupine and trying to weave/craft with its quills. But please, don’t do it.
I need to go right now and wash the few quills I received from a porcupine zoo experience. They keep quills that are shed and hand a few out to folks. Poop acupuncture, omg. Since you appear to have survived, your poop antibodies must be off the charts now. 😅
I’m basically invisible.
I should have just gone to your zoo… I ended up with maybe 40 quills or something, my friends collection from pulling them out of her horse and dog is bigger…
But was the porcupine delicious?
Very sadly, it was not. I’m not sure if it was my fault, the prep or what. I do eat all sorts of wild game that I’ve hunted or salvaged. I love squirrel and pigeon, I’ve eaten road kill deer, bear, moose, goose… Cotton tail and snowshoe hare… Wild Turkey… Basically if it’s made of meat I’ll give it a go. Still waiting to try raccoon and beaver, which I do wonder if they won’t share some similarities…
But I found it very unpleasant. Raw the meat was so… gelatinous? Delicate? Like pressing with a finger would leave a sad dent. It spread out on the cutting board like gravity was too much for it.
We did it as taco meat so I just threw it in the instant pot with onions and maybe some chili spices I can’t recall… it had that skunky gameyness that I’ve started to associate with older animals and poorly handled meat. She may have been a great Grammama but the meat was well cared for and eaten fresh.
We shredded and ate it on tortillas with onions and homemade salsas. My sister and brother in law didn’t mind it and my partner said it was ok but I’ve sworn them off for now. They are very charming creatures so it’s not all bad.
I’ve been informed by a relative that had partaken in eating one, that the meat of a porcupine is mostly flavorless on its own.
I had porcupine when I was a kid. I found it gross, the meat smells gross and it’s super gamey. Was cooked by my grandparents who are native and hunted all their lives so it wasn’t cooked wrong or not cleaned, I just thought it was gross.
Unrelated but moose meat is the best meat in existence IMO. I could eat that every day for the rest of my life and die with a smile on my face.
<3 your username
Moose meat is so good. I’ve had a few supplies over the years. A neighbour got a roadkill once, and a friend’s dad hunted one, but he doesn’t hunt anymore.
I’d love to go get a moose, but I don’t have anyone in my social circles who hunt, and you basically have to have a party to hunt moose in Ontario.
I gotta say I love deer and moose, but black bear is surprisingly good. I smoked some honey black bear hams from my last bear and ma.gawd. Only downside to bear is it’s like pork, can’t have it rare.
I had a moose meat burger, it was the softest burger I ever ate
i went to subway recently… the sandwich place. holy hell what a pile of expensive dogshit.
When you could get $5 foot longs it was worth it. But sammiches are like $15 now.
And then I read once there is so much sugar in the bread that in Europe it would be considered cake.
Maybe next time try the expensive tuna instead of dogshit.
