I genuinely care about my friends and family, but I forget to stay in touch and it makes me feel awful.
I’ll go weeks or months without reaching out, not because I don’t care, but because once someone is out of sight they’re out of mind. Then I remember randomly, feel guilty, and put it off again.
I’ve tried reminders, calendars, notes but nothing really sticks long-term. It’s especially frustrating because I do want to maintain these relationships, it’s like my brain just doesn’t cooperate.
Recently I’ve found a mobile app that helps (after rummaging through the useless, overwhelming ones) but I’m curious does anyone else struggle with this? Have you found anything that actually helps, or is this just one of those ADHD things you learn to live with?
Edit: For everyone asking the app is called Kinly Connect
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I always keep thinking: “A phone works both ways.”
If I’m not reaching out, then what stops them from doing so? Oh, right…Exactly - my “autistic unload” is not really that interesting, and it’s hard to be my friend. All while I am having a hard time to understand and process their situation and FEEL something about it. Got to keep myself off calling people just because they expressed interest in something I did or said at some point. If I called the last 2 or 3 times, it’s time for them to make a move.
Pair that with various coping characteristics developed through decades, and I can be an annoying friend at times.
From my experience, if the guy you’ve known since High-school, who you’ve been the best man at his wedding - if that guy first ghosts you when you wanna hang out and then proceeds to say “Next weekend, I’m gonna make time, just for you.” and then you text him up on Thursday to ask if he’s still up to hang on the weekend, and he says “Woops, sorry something else came up.” 4 WEEKENDS IN A ROW, then maybe, just maybe, you’ve reached a point where you lived yourselves apart.
Seriously, I know I’m not the most important thing in anyone’s life, but I didn’t want to find out first hand how unimportant I truly am. Ignorance is bliss.
PS: If that first sentence were any longer, it would reach the moon.
I feel this in my soul. Whenever I do think about it, I don’t have time to really commit to a conversation, but them another year passes without reaching out.
Yeah I feel like the problem a lot of the time, for people like us, is that we think we have to have a full conversation which creates friction. This app helped me to realise all it takes is something small even a gif lol
Very true. One of the best random messages I ever got was a “How the hell are you?” from someone I hadn’t heard from in over 10 years.
We’re married now.
Yeah, I lost all my friends because I didn’t keep in touch. However, neither did they. My excuse other than ADHD is about 6 consecutive years of agonizing struggles from divorce to fighting for parental rights to job burnout. I’m working on recovery. It’s slow, and executive dysfunction is not helping.
This is relatable ❤️
I feel like it’s hard to want to hang out with anyone when my life is a miserable mess. The level of masking I’d have to perform is more than I’ve got to give right now.
On top of that, I don’t have the capacity to be there for them in whatever they might be going through… Good or bad. I’m just trying to put one foot in front of the other and survive each day.
My dream is a matrix plugin where I can sort memes into boxes for each loved one and it will send them on a set interval (every other day, weekly, etc). I use beeper which is matrix based and has bridges for most major communication apps so just having that one extra plugin I could really keep up a solid “thinking of you” vibe without inundating people with an overwhelming quantity.
Yeah never thought of that! Kinly could be for the reminders and intervals part, I’ll have to try it out, thanks
If you don’t mind my asking, which app? I’m dealing with the same thing.
I love my friends and family, but I feel too overwhelmed to actually reach out to them. Every conversation feels “too much” even if it’s just general stuff.
It’s called Kinly Connect. It’s just a little reminder app for relationships. I add a few contacts and it tells me when I haven’t talked to them in a while, and allows me to add notes/reminders to them. Helps with the out of sight out of mind thing without overwhelming me.
I have the exact same issue that every conversation feels like too much, and it’s never the correct time to get into such a conversation. So I’ll delay it to do it later and then never get around to it.
I’m still trying to work on this as well. I’ve found small messages is all it takes, but in my head I used to always feel like I had to do a long catch-up which just put me off. I know a lot of people like us struggle with this so thought I’d share whats worked for me
Me too. Don’t think there is a single relationship I’ve been able to maintain in my life.
I get it. I used to beat myself up for it. Still do sometimes. But I have to remind myself that if they aren’t reaching out either, they may feel the same. We both care about each other and if one or the other of us called we’d help in a heart beat or have a lengthy enjoyable conversation. But we also have lives to go about. And if they aren’t involved in the day to day it takes concerted effort to reach out.
When I feel really bad is when I don’t send a Xmas card but get one from them. Lol
Hey, in advance, I don’t have adhd but my significant other and a very close friend have, so I just want to give my 2 cents from the other side.
Don’t feel embarrassed or guilty if you didn’t message for some period, it’s not like you’re doing it on purpose. Don’t hesitate to speak out this topic and try to explain that’s nothing personal, some might get it some not but it makes contacting them a lot easier.
Some personal advice: I know it’s hard to track but try to contact them when you have different moods. Its hard to be polite, understanding and not annoyed if your friend is only contacting you when he/she feels miserable.
Fortunately a lot of those friends have the same deal, and it doesn’t really matter if it’s been a week or a year since we last talked.
If there’s people I care about but hardly stay in touch with, they usually get my annual greetings over the holidays. During Christmas or New Year’s I go through my contacts and just pass along wishes to everyone I care about. Often they answer and use the chance to catch up about the year. It served me well. Maybe using such an annual opportunity helps you, too.
Yeah that’s great and I used to do similar as they’d often reach out to me during that time as well. I also think its useful for people to find tools that help them all year round if they wanted to reach out more than just once a year
