I don’t like sex, I don’t have a sex drive. At the same time, I don’t feel repulsed by it either. So I’d be willing to have a schedule so that my hypothetical partner has his needs met.
Lol, you’re describing married life.
With other commitments, kids, etc there is zero spontaneity. Often planned sex falls through because someone is tired or something comes up.
If anything you’re ahead of the curve lol.
Depends on the man, I suppose. Personally, I wouldn’t be interested for at least two reasons: 1) That arrangement falls well short of the level of consent I’d require to feel comfortable and 2) Sex in and of itself is pointless. I can take ‘care of my needs’ by masturbating on my own. Sex with another person is about more than mere physical pleasure. It’s ideally a feedback loop: Feeling good by making your partner feel good, because you want that for them.
If the person I’m with doesn’t feel good about it, I wouldn’t either. And I would strongly suggest not seeking out the kind of man who thinks otherwise.
Now I’m curious if you do anything with your partner that she really likes to do but you don’t.
Scheduled sex is itself fine, however most men (at least those worth considering as a long term partner in the first place) derive much, if not most-all, of their enjoyment of sex of the human connection, and feeling the desire, arousal and pleasure of their partner.
Sex with someone who isn’t enjoying it, and just passively accepting does not sound appealing at all to me, and I’d be weary around men who are open accepting such an arrangement, because imo it strays into areas of ambiguous consent.
At that point, it’s probably similarly enjoyable, and much healthier, if your partner takes of their urges by masturbing. You could potentially even support a future partner in that, by e.g. gifting him sex toys like fleshlights. It shows that you genuinely care about his pleasure, even if you’re not into actively participating in sex. This is for example a relationship I (as a cis man) could exist in perfectly happily.
And whilst it’s obviously not for everyone, and it can be emotionally challenging, and require a high degree of emotional maturity, communication, I would also at least consider the potential for an open relationship, where your partners urges could be satisfied without your participation.
It’s a dealbreaker for me. I only want to have sex with someone who wants to have sex with me. I don’t just want a yes, I want a YES! with the exclaimation point.
Ace and demi men are out there, but I won’t pretend they are easy to find. I’m demi and looking for someone else on the ace spectrum pretty much eliminated the idea of meeting someone out in the world and locked me in to finding someone online. Back when OKCupid was data driven it was the best way to find other aces and demis but I don’t know the current state of it. There’s still not much visibility for aces so a lot of people still don’t know to identify themselves as such.
I dated a variety of people but always came back to people who were ace/demi having the most potential for long term companionship. It just simplified everything, removed the tension and potential for hurt feelings. Allosexuals might think they can manage a situation like you’re describing but in the long term might end up feeling frustrated and sad about not being desired. I had trouble finding other aces to date but it was worth it when I did find them.
Depends on the man really. O think it would work for some but be a deal breaker for others.
There’s nothing wrong with scheduled sex and many couples find it useful. I think the bigger issue for me would be that this is essentially “duty sex” though. I don’t think i could be in a relationship with duty sex alone. That’d fuck with my head too much over doing something that i know my SO doesn’t enjoy, plus duty sex is just not fun for me.
Ps. There’s some ace communities around (asexual @lemmy.world and lemmy.blahaj.zone come to mind). Welcome to lemmy!
Community links:
Both could use some more activity. (Like an asexual’s sex life amirite?)
I just want to point out that for many of us, sex ends up kinda scheduled anyway. When my wife and I started dating, we were both against scheduled sex and kept things organic. Now that we’re 40 and work 40 hours a week, fridays and sundays are generally the only days we have enough time and energy to do it. It isn’t exactly scheduled, but functionally I see no difference. The only times we’ve deviated from that in the last few years is when we’re on vacation.
You’d have to also find a man who is only interested in sex to “get his needs met” which is much more rare than Hollywood leads people to believe.
Huh. Didn’t even think of this. My asexuality is probably affecting my perception of sex in general. In my mind that’s how I think men see sex.
My wife is on the ace spectrum. She enjoys sex, but only experiences reactive sexual desire (i.e. she’ll get in the mood once sex is basically already happening). Effectively she does not experience sexual desire in the way people typically mean that.
That’s been a struggle for us. We don’t do scheduled sex, but it’s something we’ve considered. Even though we have very good (if infrequent) sex, the frequency isn’t the thing that’s hard for me to deal with. The hardest thing is not feeling desired in ways I am used to in relationships. That has made me feel insecure and just overall is not great. But it’s something we’ve had to work through.
So all that goes to say: yes, if you find the right person you’ll be able to make it work. The key, in my opinion, is talking about it and being very clear about how you’re wired and that it isn’t anything wrong with them.
Men are people too
As a man… Sometimes I question this lol
Some men are people too…?
All men are people but some men are more people than others.
It’s definitely affecting it, yes.
For most people being sexually desired and knowing they are is a very important part of a relationship.
In the early 90s in sex ed they told us all, as a group, that men are only looking for sex to get a load off and women are nothing but submissive cum dumpsters except and of course obviously your life partner who you submit to on your wedding night and stay with forever. Literally we were taught this in public school. It’s no wonder people view sex and gender the way you do. Nowadays thankfully we view both sex and gender as individual.
To respond to your original idea, it sounds like a compromise. When you find the right person (and there’s someone for everybody) you won’t have compromise on that core, basic level. That’s what sexual compatibility is.
You’re getting downvoted, but I experienced much of the same. So much misogyny and, looking back on it, toxic masculinity. I vividly remember the bit where they used tape to illustrate “purity” of not having multiple partners.
This would’ve been the late 90s, US Midwest.
ETA: I wouldn’t say it went quite as far as describing women as “submissive cum dumpsters”, but it definitely implied the women don’t enjoy sex and only did it to satisfy their partner.
Also late 90s Midwest here and I got similar information. We also got completely untrue info like if you jizz in a hot tub and a girl gets in she can get pregnant because the sperm will swim into her vagina and from long distances away.
Dude. You had a very different class than I did, and I grew up in the South…
Agreed. Although, I was taught that the reason our privates had darker skin was because it was bruised from constant fapping. “If y’all would just leave them wieners and cooters alone they’d look damn normal!”
I didn’t pull it for almost a month and a half and after no change I decided she was wrong. LOL
What do you mean, you never got the “women are nothing but submissive cum dumpsters” talk?
I always heard they were just one town over.
As you can tell by the responses so far, there is no one correct answer other than being very open and upfront about it. Something I might also recommend is dating older men. In many men, the sex drive falls off a cliff after a certain age to where he might not mind scheduled sex, but you still need to show physical warmth and intimacy. Also, if you put yourself on a schedule to initiate sex, he might not even catch on because sex isn’t as big a driver as is once was.
Please don’t take this as anything but yet another different answer to a question with many different answers.
I’ve often thought that scheduling it would be kind of amazing, but for most I’ve been with, feel like that wouldn’t be an attractive prospect.
I’d feel really bad if my partner wasn’t enjoying themselves on this one though and even without that concern it wouldn’t feel like your idea here would be sustainable. It would be very hard to convince me that this was something that could be maintained over a long term relationship.
First step should probably be looking for an asexual guy.
I don’t think a high or even average sex drive guy in his 20-30 would be very happy. But there are low drive guys too, and if you keep looking you’re doomed to succeed.
Curious how compatibility with a high-sex-drive ace and a low-sex-drive allo would compare typically.
If you’re okay with sex and aren’t repulsed, why does it have to be scheduled?
Normally, romantic evenings and dates lead to sex, would that be enough of a “schedule”?
I.e. you have a romantic evening with your partner, and he is making moves to escalate, so you know he has “needs” tonight.
Not all men are the same, so there is no one answer to this.
It definitely wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for me. I’m in a similar situation with my wife and we have a very happy marriage.
One condition for me personally is that I’m free to “take care of myself” without her having issues with that, or interrogating me about who I think of when I do it.
Whether you’re OK with your partner watching porn is another subject you’ll have to discuss with him.
So basically, the golden rule of relationships applies: Everything is allowed as long as everyone involved consents willingly.It’s just like Rush Limbaugh said: if there is consent on [all sides], it’s perfectly fine, whatever it is.
There’s no real need for me to bring up the dead conservative talking head here, but I still laugh to myself sometimes when I remember how mockingly he got it exactly right, and maybe someone else could use a laugh too.
I have a really hard time understanding how he considers any of that a problem.
I think he’s trying to say there should be more taboo. That there should be a lot more restrictions than just consent.
I’m glad he’s dead.
No need to reply if this is too personal. When you say “similar situation”, you mean your wife is ace? I dont know much about this so Im curious why else a spouse might not want sex at all.
I don’t know what the terminology is exactly.
She enjoys sex, but she doesn’t really have a sex drive. For her it’s a completely optional fun activity, not a need.
But we cuddle and kiss a lot.
For some people sex is a minor thing, what matters is emotional closeness. You can have closeness without sex.
I think you can find someone without too much sex easily, I hear all over the place that men are actually tiring of sex just as much as many women are.
The main difference being that women often think it’s their fault when men don’t want to have sex.Yeah, this would be it for me. If my partner didn’t want to have sex, fine, not a big deal. But if my partner didn’t want to sit next to me and lean on me? If my partner didn’t want to hold hands or hug me from behind while I’m cooking? If I didn’t get a sudden jump into my lap and an insistent plead for a shoulder rub?
Those would break me. Even for the folks who don’t want to admit it, there is a driving need for intimacy, and sex just often sort of fits that need or is used to mask it.
Well put, that’s exactly what I mean.
