I don’t like sex, I don’t have a sex drive. At the same time, I don’t feel repulsed by it either. So I’d be willing to have a schedule so that my hypothetical partner has his needs met.
I think you’d be better served finding an asexual boyfriend or doing polyamoury.
Scheduled sex is itself fine, however most men (at least those worth considering as a long term partner in the first place) derive much, if not most-all, of their enjoyment of sex of the human connection, and feeling the desire, arousal and pleasure of their partner.
Sex with someone who isn’t enjoying it, and just passively accepting does not sound appealing at all to me, and I’d be weary around men who are open accepting such an arrangement, because imo it strays into areas of ambiguous consent.
At that point, it’s probably similarly enjoyable, and much healthier, if your partner takes of their urges by masturbating. You could potentially even support a future partner in that, by e.g. gifting him solo male sex toys like fleshlights. It shows that you genuinely care about his pleasure, even if you’re not into actively participating in sex. This is for example a relationship I (as a cis man) could exist in perfectly happily.
And whilst it’s obviously not for everyone, and it can be emotionally challenging, and requires a high degree of emotional maturity and communication, I would also at least consider the potential for an open relationship, where your partners urges could be satisfied without your participation.
Also, even if you do decide to try it with a partner who wants to try your scheduled sex idea, I would definitely not start with sex.
Start slowly, by for example offering to jerk him off, or allowing him to masturbate to your naked body. Try it out slowly, and then see if you’re both comfortable with this type/level of intimacy, before jumping straight to penetrative sex.
It’s a very delicate affair, not just for you, but for the man as well. Having sex with a woman who is unresponsive, and just passively accepting, has a potential to make your partner subconsciously feel like they’re abusing, or even raping, you (even if you explicitly give consent, the subconscious is rarely swayed by rational arguments), which has the potential to lead to serious sexual trauma.
Lol, you’re describing married life.
With other commitments, kids, etc there is zero spontaneity. Often planned sex falls through because someone is tired or something comes up.
If anything you’re ahead of the curve lol.
Married life with kids. Before kids it was never “scheduled”. Now it almost has to be because our kid likes to go to bed late.
Ace and demi men are out there, but I won’t pretend they are easy to find. I’m demi and looking for someone else on the ace spectrum pretty much eliminated the idea of meeting someone out in the world and locked me in to finding someone online. Back when OKCupid was data driven it was the best way to find other aces and demis but I don’t know the current state of it. There’s not much visibility for aces so a lot of people don’t know to identify themselves as such.
I dated a variety of people but always came back to people who were ace/demi having the most potential for long term companionship. It just simplified everything, removed the tension, and potential for hurt feelings. Allosexuals might think they can manage a situation like you’re describing but in the long term might end up feeling frustrated and sad about not being desired. It was always worth the search when I did find other aces.
Depends on the man, I suppose. Personally, I wouldn’t be interested for at least two reasons: 1) That arrangement falls well short of the level of consent I’d require to feel comfortable and 2) Sex in and of itself is pointless. I can take ‘care of my needs’ by masturbating on my own. Sex with another person is about more than mere physical pleasure. It’s ideally a feedback loop: Feeling good by making your partner feel good, because you want that for them.
If the person I’m with doesn’t feel good about it, I wouldn’t either. And I would strongly suggest not seeking out the kind of man who thinks otherwise.
Now I’m curious if you do anything with your partner that she really likes to do but you don’t.
Why would you think so? I aim to be considerate, not a doormat let alone a victim of abuse, sexual or otherwise. Consent is either bilateral or non-existent. While I would be open to do things I enjoyed less than my partner, I wouldn’t accept being party to anything to which I’m outright opposed.
Hypothetical sex is the best
I know some men who don’t care about sex much and would be fine with that arrangement. They are the kind of guys that aren’t out in the wild much, so finding one outside of apps will be hard.
It’s a dealbreaker for me. I only want to have sex with someone who wants to have sex with me. I don’t just want a yes, I want a YES! with the exclaimation point.
I just want to point out that for many of us, sex ends up kinda scheduled anyway. When my wife and I started dating, we were both against scheduled sex and kept things organic. Now that we’re 40 and work 40 hours a week, fridays and sundays are generally the only days we have enough time and energy to do it. It isn’t exactly scheduled, but functionally I see no difference. The only times we’ve deviated from that in the last few years is when we’re on vacation.
Depends on the man really. O think it would work for some but be a deal breaker for others.
There’s nothing wrong with scheduled sex and many couples find it useful. I think the bigger issue for me would be that this is essentially “duty sex” though. I don’t think i could be in a relationship with duty sex alone. That’d fuck with my head too much over doing something that i know my SO doesn’t enjoy, plus duty sex is just not fun for me.
Ps. There’s some ace communities around (asexual @lemmy.world and lemmy.blahaj.zone come to mind). Welcome to lemmy!
IMO there’s a huge difference between “doesn’t enjoy” and “being indifferent”.
Like, me and my partner watch some movies that they’re definitely not enjoying, but they still watch them because we’re together and they don’t not enjoy them.
Point is, you can do things together if you accept the other side is not into it as much as you are.
Community links:
Both could use some more activity. (Like an asexual’s sex life amirite?)
You’d have to also find a man who is only interested in sex to “get his needs met” which is much more rare than Hollywood leads people to believe.
Huh. Didn’t even think of this. My asexuality is probably affecting my perception of sex in general. In my mind that’s how I think men see sex.
Sex is more than fucking. The fucking is great but even medium term, there absolutely needs to be more. As others have mentioned it’s about a connection, intimacy, and feeling sexually desired.
The scheduled part is only something that would bother someone without kids. With kids, you either schedule sex or only have it very rarely.
Scheduled isn’t a dirty word, it just means you’re making time for someone you care about. I’ve found it’s nice to have a time to look forward to.
I have only surface level knowledge of ace folks, so pardon the question: is scheduled intimacy something you could look forward to and enjoy? With optional sex… knowing that the sex isn’t something you need.
If being intimate without sex isn’t enjoyable to you, it you don’t think you could make someone feel desired (at any level, since it’s obviously not going to be sexual desire!,) then I would suggest looking for other ace or ace-leaning folks.
My wife is on the ace spectrum. She enjoys sex, but only experiences reactive sexual desire (i.e. she’ll get in the mood once sex is basically already happening). Effectively she does not experience sexual desire in the way people typically mean that.
That’s been a struggle for us. We don’t do scheduled sex, but it’s something we’ve considered. Even though we have very good (if infrequent) sex, the frequency isn’t the thing that’s hard for me to deal with. The hardest thing is not feeling desired in ways I am used to in relationships. That has made me feel insecure and just overall is not great. But it’s something we’ve had to work through.
So all that goes to say: yes, if you find the right person you’ll be able to make it work. The key, in my opinion, is talking about it and being very clear about how you’re wired and that it isn’t anything wrong with them.
Men are people too
As a man… Sometimes I question this lol
Some men are people too…?
All men are people but some men are more people than others.
Personhood for some, tiny American flags for others!
It’s definitely affecting it, yes.
For most people being sexually desired and knowing they are is a very important part of a relationship.
In the early 90s in sex ed they told us all, as a group, that men are only looking for sex to get a load off and women are nothing but submissive cum dumpsters except and of course obviously your life partner who you submit to on your wedding night and stay with forever. Literally we were taught this in public school. It’s no wonder people view sex and gender the way you do. Nowadays thankfully we view both sex and gender as individual.
To respond to your original idea, it sounds like a compromise. When you find the right person (and there’s someone for everybody) you won’t have compromise on that core, basic level. That’s what sexual compatibility is.
You’re getting downvoted, but I experienced much of the same. So much misogyny and, looking back on it, toxic masculinity. I vividly remember the bit where they used tape to illustrate “purity” of not having multiple partners.
This would’ve been the late 90s, US Midwest.
ETA: I wouldn’t say it went quite as far as describing women as “submissive cum dumpsters”, but it definitely implied the women don’t enjoy sex and only did it to satisfy their partner.
Also late 90s Midwest here and I got similar information. We also got completely untrue info like if you jizz in a hot tub and a girl gets in she can get pregnant because the sperm will swim into her vagina and from long distances away.
Dude. You had a very different class than I did, and I grew up in the South…
Agreed. Although, I was taught that the reason our privates had darker skin was because it was bruised from constant fapping. “If y’all would just leave them wieners and cooters alone they’d look damn normal!”
I didn’t pull it for almost a month and a half and after no change I decided she was wrong. LOL
What do you mean, you never got the “women are nothing but submissive cum dumpsters” talk?
I always heard they were just one town over.
First step should probably be looking for an asexual guy.
I don’t think a high or even average sex drive guy in his 20-30 would be very happy. But there are low drive guys too, and if you keep looking you’re doomed to succeed.
Curious how compatibility with a high-sex-drive ace and a low-sex-drive allo would compare typically.
As you can tell by the responses so far, there is no one correct answer other than being very open and upfront about it. Something I might also recommend is dating older men. In many men, the sex drive falls off a cliff after a certain age to where he might not mind scheduled sex, but you still need to show physical warmth and intimacy. Also, if you put yourself on a schedule to initiate sex, he might not even catch on because sex isn’t as big a driver as is once was.
Please don’t take this as anything but yet another different answer to a question with many different answers.
Not all men are the same, so there is no one answer to this.
It definitely wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for me. I’m in a similar situation with my wife and we have a very happy marriage.
One condition for me personally is that I’m free to “take care of myself” without her having issues with that, or interrogating me about who I think of when I do it.
Whether you’re OK with your partner watching porn is another subject you’ll have to discuss with him.
So basically, the golden rule of relationships applies: Everything is allowed as long as everyone involved consents willingly.It’s just like Rush Limbaugh said: if there is consent on [all sides], it’s perfectly fine, whatever it is.
There’s no real need for me to bring up the dead conservative talking head here, but I still laugh to myself sometimes when I remember how mockingly he got it exactly right, and maybe someone else could use a laugh too.
I have a really hard time understanding how he considers any of that a problem.
I think he’s trying to say there should be more taboo. That there should be a lot more restrictions than just consent.
I’m glad he’s dead.
No need to reply if this is too personal. When you say “similar situation”, you mean your wife is ace? I dont know much about this so Im curious why else a spouse might not want sex at all.
I don’t know what the terminology is exactly.
She enjoys sex, but she doesn’t really have a sex drive. For her it’s a completely optional fun activity, not a need.
But we cuddle and kiss a lot.
